Recurring dreams

My adulthood recurring dreams aren't the stuff of nightmares, but they're definitely, well, mares, I guess?*

They really are about boring adult stressful things. For example, one of my recurring dreams is that I'm back at an old job, and I haven't shown up for work and I don't even know if I still have a job there, because I work there but I also don't, and like I say, I haven't shown up for ages. Yep. That's not stressful at all. Anyway, the nice thing is, in the dream, I always realize I have another full-time job and that's why I haven't shown up for the old one. Thank you, brain, for keeping it real.

The other recurring one I have a lot is that I'm back in school. Usually high school or undergrad, but one time grade school. Yeah. I know. Weird. Anyway, I'm back in school and I don't know where any of my classes are and I don't know my schedule and I haven't done any of the assignments and it's almost the end of the semester. Fun thing about this one is my dream self always hits a point where she says, "I have a Master's degree, who cares if I don't have my high school diploma?!"**

One weekend, I had a series of dreams about no one listening to me. And me being right and they should have listened to me. Sadly, dream brain didn't help me out on this one. (Not really sure what that would have looked like. Realizing in the dream that I was in a Truman Show scenario? That would be SO much worse!) 

So, basically, what I'm saying is my dreams are too much like life which just seems like a waste of good sleep. Also, I really appreciate my sometimes clever brain that says, "This girl has enough stress in her life, she doesn't need it in her dreams too. Pull the plug!" 

*Yes, that is a reference to Doctor Who Season 5 (not classic season 5, the new Doctor Who season 5) "Amy's Choice" episode. 
**I know. If I really didn't have a high school diploma, but had a graduate degree, it would indicate that there was maybe some fraud going on. But, guys. It's a dream. Things don't have to make sense, clearly. Because it makes no sense that I would be completely oblivious to the fact that I was enrolled in school.

Taking exhaustion to new levels

I have been tired for a long time. Most of the time, my mornings involve me waking up feeling like absolutely nothing has been accomplished by me spending any time in bed because I am just as tired as I was when I went to sleep. Not entirely accurate, because I love my bed and enjoy being in it, but in terms of restfulness, not sure how much I'm accomplishing. 

For the past couple of weeks, my brain has decided to pull this fun stunt where it just wakes me up in the middle of the night for no reason whatsoever. Side note, brains really aren't good at taking instructions. Because during this same time period, I've gone to bed absolutely exhausted--like, my whole body is screaming, "We just want to sleep!"--and I finally hit the sack and my brain is all, "Well, that was fun, but let's not go to sleep just yet, hey?" I mean, seriously?!

Anyway, after almost two weeks of random "say hello to the middle of the night" madness, I had hit a whole new level of exhaustion. Which seemed impossible, because especially for the duration of the pandemic, it seems I've been hitting whole new levels of exhaustion fairly regularly. At some point, you'd think I'd have plumbed the depths, yet here I am, still encountering new levels. Not to be punny, but I'm kind of tired of it.* 

I pitched the idea to a colleague of writing a book about the depths of exhaustion. I mean, I might as well accomplish something from my sleep-deprived shenanigans. But another coworker had an even better idea. See, we are very focused on cultural competency and DEI at work right now. I work for an institution representing a global church. There are even 3 full-time international employees on my team. So, my coworker, KS, suggested us adopting some of the cultural practices of our international employees. Such as siesta. Which is totally a thing--I spent a semester in the Dominican Republic and enjoyed many afternoon naps (which, as a student, you can imagine was amazing). I am totally on board with this. And, I'm supposed to set a goal for the year focused on cultural competency, so...siesta! Right?! Sounds perfect to me. 

Sleep well, everyone. 

*You're right. That was absolutely me being punny. On purpose. This one goes out to my brother-in-law, currently in training for a Masters in Punnery.

What time is it?

Every now and then, my tendency to delay actually works in my favor. Like this morning. When I forgot that it was daylight savings (why is this still a thing?) and so didn't change my clock last night. And, slept in a bit late. Which I should regret, but honestly, it was lovely and this is possibly part of why I am not making much progress towards having a more regular sleep schedule because seriously, it is always so much nicer to stay in bed than to get out of it. Anyway, it ended up working out because it means I didn't show up at church an hour early and very confused. 

Also, I just want to say that the google newsfeed failed big time. Why on earth are they showing me articles about daylight savings time AFTER it happens? And this is why I question the intelligence of artificial intelligence. 

Getting shuteye

For the last couple of weeks, I just haven't been sleeping well. Okay, let's be real. It's way more like several years, but the last couple of weeks have been worse than usual. I feel like my brain has completely forgotten how this sleep thing is supposed to work. Instead of shutting off, like I do with my computer each night, it seems to be going into sleep mode and not really shutting down. (Which is ironic, because sleep mode for my computer is definitely NOT the equivalent of a sleep mode for my brain). 

And today, for the first time in a couple of weeks, I had the chance to sleep in, and of course, I slept in later than I had planned on because it just felt so good. As a side note, why is my bed always the most comfortable just before I'm supposed to wake up? And why do I always sleep best in between my alarm and the snooze alarm? 

Clearly, my sleep habits need reform. It's a constant series of failed attempts, but I live in hope. 

In the meantime, if anyone knows how to retrain my brain in what it means to sleep, do let me know. 

Dear Brain

Dear Brain,

I am about to embark on that great endeavor known as sleep. Lately, dear Brain, you have kind of forgotten how this works. What is supposed to happen is you are supposed to turn off, or at the very least go do your own thing without me knowing what that is, except for the occasional odd dream. Which, speaking of, can we not do the "I'm back in school, sometimes high school, sometimes college, whatever, and I haven't gone to any of my classes for a semester and I don't even know what my classes are and then I realize that I have a master's degree and why do I even care about passing one more course? I don't need it!" dream anymore? Surely there is something more interesting we could conjure up?

Anyway, back to the whole sleeping thing. You've really been letting me down lately. You've got WAY too much going on when you are supposed to be letting it go for a few hours. You don't need to be such an overachiever. We don't aim for that in any other part of our life, so why on earth would you pick sleep to try it out on? 

So, as we try this again tonight, I'm counting on you to do your part and relax. I know you can do it. 

Yours, 

Elise

Small little moment

Yesterday, I had a lie-in, which was lovely. It was just nice to lay in bed, enjoying how comfy it was, not feeling rushed or thinking about getting ready for work or anything like that.

But even better, I got to have a lie-in during a terrific rainstorm. It was a serious storm. Thunder that made you feel like the earth was splitting in two. I'm sure there was amazing lightning, but I didn't check it out--I was laying in bed. And furious rain! Just, wow. Like, a downpour on steroids.

I did have a small moment where I thought about seeing if I could get lightning photos, but 1) my bed was very comfortable, and 2) furious rain. I might as well have thrown my camera in a lake as try to take photos in that rain.

So, I just laid in bed and enjoyed. It was the perfect way to spend a rainy morning. My only very small regret? Not going puddle-hopping after it let up.

sleeeep

I think somehow my brain has forgotten how to sleep. It's like with computers, when they hibernate but don't actually shutdown. I think that's what my brain is doing lately. Last week at work, they were doing a survey asking us what activity we wanted to do in the 3rd quarter. All I could come up with was a sleep-a-thon. And it actually sounded really awesome.

On the plus side, I got to sleep in this weekend. And take a nap today. It was so beautiful. The next best thing to finding an off switch.

Where have you been?

So far, 2019 has been exhausting. Not completely unproductive (until I start to think about it, and then it maybe has been horribly unproductive!), just exhausting. I'm not sure if I never got over the holidays, the sickies, or if it's just an epidemic, since everyone seems to be worn out. Anyway, my energy has been sapped. 

I did have a great visit to my brother's, where I played with my nephews and got to bond with my month old niece.* Oh the adventures we had! We went on a quest to find the magic carpets and wash them in a magic potion so that the villains couldn't ride them**, meeting a wizard on the way, then boarded a ship and traveled to the Portal Hoard, and popped through some portals. We built a fort, we played lots of games, and generally just had a good time. It was a nice reprieve and might tide me over for a few weeks until I go into kid withdrawals again. 

I also got to do some sleuthing at work the last couple of days, trying to track photo studios and photographers to figure out who has the rights. It's so satisfying when I manage to follow the clues to more information! I'd make a horrible detective in real life, but an archival detective--right up my alley.

So, no, January hasn't been all bad. I just wish I had more energy to enjoy it. Here's hoping this isn't a sign of tiredness to come.

*Completely unrelated, I am listening to a podcast while I write and they just played a recording of the vice president speaking Spanish. It was a valiant effort but please, sir, don't say 'con' like that! 

**aka, gathered towels and threw them in the wash.

Do Over

Yesterday was an awful day. It wasn't anything particular, just the whole day was awful and frustrating and ended in tears (there was just no other way for it to end). Now, if there is one thing I have learned about days like that, it's this: take a nap. Honestly, if you just go to sleep for a little while, things get better. It breaks the cycle of stress and emotion and offness just beautifully.*

I failed to squeeze a nap in yesterday so instead, this morning, I gave myself permission to treat the morning like a sick day. I stayed in bed until my headache wasn't noticeable anymore**. I stayed in my pajamas and wrapped up in a blanket. And I felt soooooooo much better. The headache did come back, and I'm still a little glum about yesterday, but hey, moving on! Life's not all doom! Things are going to be okay! And in a couple of days, the glum-shadow will vanish, the headache will not come back, and I will have had contact with other human beings and moved on to the next crisis.

Isn't life grand?

*This is why, when I unofficially ran for president in 2016, naps was an important plank in my platform. I think it would make a huge contribution towards world peace. 
**Yes, I had a headache yesterday. No, it didn't help. 

An extended weekend

Due to a funeral, I ended up having a 4-day weekend, starting with no work on Friday. While the funeral was a sad occasion, I'm not going to lie, it was nice to have an extra day and to have it coincide with an existing 3-day weekend.

And it was a productive weekend. I finished weeding my books, more or less. The goal was to be able to put all of the books I have acquired since I moved into the boxes of books that I brought out with me. Which has been done with room to spare.

Then I spent some time working on my Christmas photographs. I finished labeling them, deleted the ones that weren't worth keeping, and learned a little bit about using Photo Shop so I could do some cleanup. Still not sure how I feel about editing photos, but these were family photos, and I was mostly adjusting lighting and minor cleanup. Nothing major (especially since I lack the patience to sit through that many Photo Shop videos to learn all the tricks).

I watched and enjoyed Marshall*, made soup to eat for my lunch this week, prepped a thank you card for my Christmas hosts, and worked on my blog book project.** So, all in all, a pretty productive weekend. And I got some sleep in there.

The only bummer is that I have to go back to work tomorrow. Sigh.

*My only complaint, which is not specific to this show, is the increasing use of the f-word in PG-13 movies. When did this become okay? Why is it necessary? Were people really complaining about the lack of that word? I just don't understand. Anyway, I am now giving you the heads up in case you are concerned. 
**I like things in hard copies. So I convert every hundred posts into book format. Just in case. Things happen, you know. 

Burn Out

Is it just me, or is the world exhausted? Last week I took a 6 hour nap. Which usually means I will not sleep well at night, but I went to bed and slept all night long, no waking up at all. And I am ready to do it again.

I hear about all these women who have started 18 non-profits and saved the world and raised their kids and gotten a half a dozen degrees and speak at all these conferences and are great leaders and I think, "Where did you come from?" It's a little terrifying that that is what the world expects of women now. 'Cause I just can't do it.

I go to work and deal with questions all day long. With every question, there is a flicker of panic where my brain says, "What new topic do I have to become an expert in in the next hour?" I have to solve problems all day long, and I'm not even sure I have the authority to solve most of them. I need another twenty to thirty hours in the work week, but just can't give the time because I'm trying to hang on to my sanity.

Somehow, this is just draining, and by the time I get home, the thought of fixing food for just myself is completely uninteresting. I eat a lot of pb&j and cereal for dinner. (And why not? How many dinner-like meals does a person need in a day?) Then I try to stay informed by reading the news, but honestly, I just want a couple of paragraphs saying "Here's what happened, and here's why it matters". I've resorted to reading headlines--which are remarkably informative.

Then there's working out (ugh, so boring! I do love modernity, but I think we missed the boat on the whole exercise thing), cleaning, and running the household. This really doesn't take as much time as I think it does, and I don't have that much of it to do, so that's nice. Errands can be a pain - grocery shopping is a huge time suck when you don't have a car. But, it can be a good way to get exercise. And/or some photography practice. Most of the time, it's really not too bad.

And I should be doing more photography practice, and language learning, and learning to code, and piano practicing and writing and stuff. So much to do! So much that is rewarding to do! I just have to get past the fog of exhaustion in my brain.

Of course, the best way to do that is to actually push through it. It's amazing how you forget you are tired when you go and do stuff. And so, note to self: Don't listen to Tired Whiny. Go do something cool instead.

Post 201

Welcome to the first of the third 100 posts on this blog. In some circles, I feel like I'm an anomaly for consistently writing a blog. There is a vibe that blogs aren't trendy anymore--it's all about 140 characters and hashtags. But in truth, I really just don't care what the trend is anymore. 

Honestly, I am too tired to care about much these days. I've been trying to muster up the energy and enthusiasm for a chipper #201 and finally decided to scrap clever and witty and just tell it like it is. I am exhausted. 

"Well, duh. It's almost midnight. Go to bed!"

Not that kind of tired. The kind of tired that drains every part of your being. I don't think there's enough sleep in the universe to un-tired me.* 

And yes, it probably won't last forever, at some point things will click back into place and I won't feel so drained. Eventually it will be okay. But, you know, I only get one round on earth, and I'm really mad that so much of it seems to be spent in a near-zombie like state. I don't want to sleep through life! I know there's the whole immortality thing to come, but there's only one go at mortality, only one shot to experience life this way, and darn it all, what a waste to be too burned out to enjoy it! 

Anyway, that is life at the moment. And now, I will go to bed because it certainly can't hurt. 

*Although, I'd be willing to test pilot a pause button for reality to see if that would help. 

Scientific Proof

I was doing a bit of web archiving QA at work the other day, and stumbled across this article, which just supports my theory that naps would increase world peace. Between that and my campaign for stabby desserts, I plan on winning the Nobel Peace Prize this year.

Naps: The key to world peace

Today is one of the days of the week where I don't have to be anywhere in the morning, and as always, I slept in. It happens every week: The night before, I swear I'm going to go to bed on time, and get up on time, and get an early start to the day. The next morning, I roll out of bed well after alarms (yes, I use 2) have gone off. And then I enter into this emotional dilemma. On the one hand, I'm always terribly frustrated with myself for falling into the cycle yet AGAIN. (Seriously? Where's the discipline?!) On the other hand, I think that sleep is a beautiful thing, and every extra minute of it I can steal is probably better for me--and the world--in the long run. And even the short run. So how mad should I be that I let my body get what it needs?

Which leads to our discussion for the day: World Peace. I have a theory that if adults took more naps, we would be well on our way to world peace. Think about it. When a young child is tired, they act cranky and mean. And what do good, smart adults do? Put them down for a nap. Problem solved.

When an adult is tired, they act mean and cranky. Sure, they aren't throwing their toy cars at people's heads or hitting and throwing tantrums (how silly would that look?). Instead, they are threatening to launch nuclear weapons. And, silly us, we just assume that they are being a tyrannical dictator and then we impose sanctions or send an army out and invade. We never stop to think that maybe they just need a nap. A kid who is sleep deprived gets sleep. An adult who is sleep deprived gets sent out into the world to make decisions that affect everyone around them. Somewhat illogical, I say.

So, pamper yourself today. Do your part for world peace, and take a nap!