Who asked for this?

On Monday, I got a text from "Ashley Brooks." Who is Ashley Brooks, you ask, that I should mention her? (I guess it could be a him, although then I would seriously question whether it was 1926 instead of 2026). 

Ashley is a virtual assistant at the dealership where I bought my car. Now, I actually appreciate that someone from the dealership texts to remind me of my routine maintenance. Very helpful. And usually an actual person.

Ashley, though? Do we not all have our hands full trying to deal with actual people, without also being hounded by fake ones? Do we really need the virtual Ashley's trying to sell us stuff, to spam our inboxes? WHO ASKED FOR THIS????

Answer: No one. No one asked for this. At least, no normal person. I don't know a single person (and like all people, I know some very odd ducks. And am surely the odd duck in someone's world) who was walking around saying, "You know, the junk mail from the Post Office, that was alright. But not quite enough. And spam emails, those are great. They have definitely improved my quality of life. Social media spam has also kicked it up a notch. But I still feel like there's more life has to offer. I need more. I am not living my best spam life."

Anyway. Here we are. Silver lining? I don't have to feel bad about ignoring fictional people. 

Fire safety

The other day I saw some headline about how we have to fight fire with fire (it was referring to political campaigns, not weapons, which in light of the US bombing Iran, seems an important clarification). 

And my reaction was, "No one would fight fire with fire. You fight it with water." We don't have firemen going in and fighting forest fires with flame throwers. Fighting fire with fire is only a good strategy if you are trying to burn down the world. 

That was my first thought. My second thought was that there is probably some etymological history here that would make it all make sense. And larks, there is!!!

The phrase dates back to Shakespeare. (Most things in English seem to be sourced from him or the Bible. Surely there were other sources?) In his day--and still today--they would create firebreaks. Meaning, they'd burn vegetation so that when the fire arrived, there was nothing left to burn and it would die. Fighting fire with fire.*

I'm not sure fighting fire with fire today has the same outcome. Firebreaks aren't focused on the fire itself, if that makes sense. They aren't attacking the fire, they are preventing it, by looking out towards other areas. It's preventative. Whereas, most of the time when we use the phrase today, it's not preventative. It's aggressive, attacking, and not really concerned with ending a conflict, so much as winning at all costs. 

I vote we return to the original motive of the phrase. If we do, I think we'll be left with more of the world standing. And we'll all learn a bit about fire-fighting!

*You can find multiple sources that confirm this through a quick search on the internet. 

Talk about the weather

Well, the world has lost its mind but there is an upside: talking about the weather has never been so exciting! Hooray!!!

I mean, in the old days, the weather followed rules. There were seasons, there was consistency, reliability. But no longer! Now we get weather whiplash! 

Case in point. Friday was frigid. It was in the 30s, but the ice-cold 30s.* Today, it was in the 40s, sunny, and basically felt like May used to. Weather whiplash. 

Which made me think that we should rebrand climate change. I mean, it's not a bad moniker, but we could do better. So I came up with some suggestions:

• Weather whiplash: very accurate. And exhausting, literally, because I need my room to be a certain temperature to sleep well, and if the exterior temp is changing every 10 minutes, it's hard to know how many blankets I need and how warm my pjs are).
• Seasonal scramble: For reals. Winter, which used to be October to March, is now like, February? and maybe June?
• Meteorological mixup: It snowed in Florida, but not in Utah. I rest my case. 
• Atmospheric aberrations: see all of the above. 

Now along with all the exciting changes in the weather, you have some great new vocab to use to discuss. You're welcome!

*There are different kinds of 30s weather. If it is rainy 30s weather, that is very different from snowing 30s weather, which is also very different from "just snowed and now we gonna freeze this sucka like an iceberg."

Some observations on food

Do you think that fun shapes make food taste better? I bought some Townhouse crackers in the shape of snowmen and somehow they were so much better than regular Townhouse crackers. And my Cheez-its in the shape of penguins, definitely better. Shape makes a difference, right?

The last couple of times I've taken my niece grocery shopping, I've seen the Doritos with no added dyes or whatever. Here's the thing: yes, it is definitely better for us. But neon colored food is how you know it's not good for you. If your really unhealthy food (or food-like substances, as my brother refers to them) looks the same color as actual healthy food, it's way too easy to convince myself that it's fine to eat the unhealthy stuff.

Finally, I saw today that Butterfinger has released a special French toast edition. WHY??? In the name of all that a taste bud would want to experience, why would a French toast Butterfinger be one of them? I like breakfast foods as much as anyon but they really don't have to be in everything. Breakfast and dessert can be two separate things. 

Milestones

In case you are wondering, you start falling apart at 40. I know this, because I am in my 40s and it was when I turned 40 that I started adding in all the extra annual exams. Among those fun new doctors' visits was a colonoscopy, and it got me thinking. Somehow, it seems like we run out of milestones after our 20s. We've taken our first steps, said our first words, had our first day of school, done graduations, left grade school, learned to drive, gone on dates, voted, etc. What else is there?

Well, there are still plenty of milestones in the rest of life, too. They just aren't as exciting. They're things like bills and mortgages and full-time jobs (that offer insurance and retirement, which is a very positive thing but somehow not as exciting as a first birthday. Way more complicated, for sure), and old-people doctors' exams and such. First car? Comes with a side of maintenance costs and possible loan payments. First promotion? Probably also added a lot of work. First retirement? How are your knees doing?

Some of these milestones I have embraced. For example, I am fully leaning into my "get off my lawn" era. No, I don't actually have a lawn, but my version of this is mocking AI. (It's so mockable). I'm also super leaning into being old and not knowing what slang the kids are using these days. I didn't get out of bed every day for decades to NOT be able to stop caring about what people twenty years younger than me think is cool. There have to be some perks.

And there are some good milestones: paying off mortgages, grandkids, more paid vacation to travel, no more homework (and I do NOT undervalue that milestone!!!), being able to buy a thing just for fun without worrying about not being able to eat for two weeks. There are some good things to come. 

It's just a bummer that they come with more doctors exams. That's all.  

The end is definitely nigh

I live in a state that is known for mountains and some good skiing spots. We're hosting the Winter Olympics in 2034 (or so we think). And yet, I have seen ZERO snow this year in my city (and you could barely call it highlights if you count what is in the mountains). 

It snowed in Florida last week. And my coworkers sent photos of snow at Teotihuacán today. Snow. In Teotihuacán. 

WHERE IS MY SNOW?!?!?!?!

I'm pretty sure the apocalypse has arrived and I just missed the memo.

All is not right in the universe

It is January 12th, the world is topsy-turvy, our new tool at work is chaos personified, and the year has gotten off to a rough start. But the very worst part is, THERE IS NO SNOW!

It's finally gotten cold, I've been waiting for a month, and nothing. And we're running out of time--unless, that is, the seasons have just shifted entirely and winter is now January to April. Which, where I live, has always been a real possibility. 

It just seems that I deserve a bit of snow. A few inches at least. NO need for a drought later on in the year, and quite frankly, this rough start needs a silver lining.