Nope. Never that.

Dear phone,

I know I switch between English and Spanish keyboards and that can get confusing. But, phone. Mobday* is not a word in either language (or a mix of the two). You are supposed to be smart, I would have thought you could have figured out that I meant Monday, or at least offered it as an option for a correction. 

Just a bit of friendly feedback.

Owner

*Turns out Mobday is the name of a band, but if my phone thinks that is what I'm talking about, it only makes the situation worse. I do think there is some potential for a holiday called Mobday--flash mobs, mobs of people, etc. Or something with The Mob, although I don't think you want to celebrate them, so much as the Eliot Nesses of the world, maybe? I don't know. But there are definitely weirder holidays out there. 

Fire safety

The other day I saw some headline about how we have to fight fire with fire (it was referring to political campaigns, not weapons, which in light of the US bombing Iran, seems an important clarification). 

And my reaction was, "No one would fight fire with fire. You fight it with water." We don't have firemen going in and fighting forest fires with flame throwers. Fighting fire with fire is only a good strategy if you are trying to burn down the world. 

That was my first thought. My second thought was that there is probably some etymological history here that would make it all make sense. And larks, there is!!!

The phrase dates back to Shakespeare. (Most things in English seem to be sourced from him or the Bible. Surely there were other sources?) In his day--and still today--they would create firebreaks. Meaning, they'd burn vegetation so that when the fire arrived, there was nothing left to burn and it would die. Fighting fire with fire.*

I'm not sure fighting fire with fire today has the same outcome. Firebreaks aren't focused on the fire itself, if that makes sense. They aren't attacking the fire, they are preventing it, by looking out towards other areas. It's preventative. Whereas, most of the time when we use the phrase today, it's not preventative. It's aggressive, attacking, and not really concerned with ending a conflict, so much as winning at all costs. 

I vote we return to the original motive of the phrase. If we do, I think we'll be left with more of the world standing. And we'll all learn a bit about fire-fighting!

*You can find multiple sources that confirm this through a quick search on the internet. 

I get it now

Twenty years ago this December, I graduated with a Bachelor's degree in Spanish. Twenty years ago, it didn't seem like a great career move. The number of people who asked me, "What do you do with a degree in Spanish?" [Answer: Speak Spanish and hope someone hires you to do something.]

In high school, I'd actually kicked around becoming an architect. But when it was decision making time, I chose to go to a university with no architecture program and no real idea what I was going to study. You could argue that it came down to a better financial aid package, other reasons. But honestly, I just felt right about attending the other university. 

I kind of fell into Spanish, too. It wasn't really planned. I took 101 and 102. Then 201 and 202. And just kept going. I still don't feel like I'm particularly good at it, and I know at the time I didn't feel super fluent, but I kept at it. Twenty years ago, I never could have predicted how pivotal that seemingly random (or at the very least, not super proactive and determined) decision would be. 

As part of my degree, I did a study abroad, leaving the country for the first time. I look back and can't even imagine the kind of person I would be without that experience. I am humbly grateful for how it expanded me as a disciple of Christ or, for the less religious or non-Christians among us, as a global citizen. It it didn't feel dramatic at the time, but it was the little decision that made a huge impact. (Okay, maybe not little. It was a 4-year degree, which is a pretty big commitment of time and resources. But you know what I mean).

But that's not all. After graduating, I did indeed speak Spanish and find people to hire me to do work that had nothing to do with Spanish. And then, ten years ago in April, I graduated with a Master's degree in Archival Science. Now I am an archivist for a global religion and guess what I specialize in? Records from Latin America. My team meetings are in Spanish, English, and Portuguese, with Spanish as the lingua franca. A significant portion of the records we collect are in Spanish, and I then describe them in both Spanish and English. I've been to 4 Spanish-speaking countries this year, and will likely go to 2 more before the year ends. 

It's not that being able to speak Spanish wasn't useful in the years between degrees. It always came in handy. But here I am, twenty years later, seeing that it wasn't just a handy side skill, while I got on with other work. Not to minimize my master's degree--if I only spoke Spanish, I'd be pretty useless. But, 10 and 20 years later, I can see there was a purpose to the path I was inspired to take, even though at the time, it felt pretty purposeless. And I hope in 30 and 40 years, I look back and see even more how purposeful those decisions and future decisions have been. 

Vroom vroom

Yesterday, my friend was trying to teach me how to roll my r's properly when speaking Spanish. I've never really been able to manage to do it right, so he was trying to teach me. And in the process, I discovered that we say our r's really weird in English. 

My friend kept saying, "Say run." And after some back and forth, I realized that r's are very different in English and Spanish*. When he says "run", its a postalveolar sound--the tongue hits kind of between the hard palate and the alveolar** (the area above the back of the teeth).

In English, we make a palatal r sound--our tongues are back farther in our mouth, and the sound is made in the area of our palate. Which was a revelation to my friend (and to me) and also made him want to puke a little. Not sure I blame him. When he made his r's the way we do in English, the difference between the two pronunciations became really obvious. 

It was a very entertaining conversation with lots of laughter (mostly at my horrible attempts to not vomit r's) and I don't know that it's necessarily blog worthy, but I share it because 1) I just love that it's a conversation I got to have in the middle of a Walmart and it makes me happy that I have friends around the world, and 2) I finally know how to actually learn to roll my r's and get better at Spanish. So it brought me joy, and we all need more of that. 

*I may have noticed this twenty years ago when I studied linguistics, but if so I had completely forgotten.
**Again, it's been 20 years, so I may be a little off on this, but that is how he was saying it. 

Really?

I saw an ad a while back and was just a bit disappointed in humanity. I don't remember what the product was, the but tag line was: "Worship yourself. The world will follow."

Am I the only one that finds this, well, awful? Don't get me wrong. I'm all for a healthy sense of self-worth. And confidence. Those are both good things. But this seems like something way beyond that. 

Now, maybe it's just my introversion speaking. The idea of having the world follow me in any way, shape, or form, is incredibly unappealing.

Or maybe I've just had some bad experiences with people who were narcissistic and all about the self-worship. It never ended well for me or the people I cared about. In my experience, such a thing can only end in tears. 

Maybe I just am too aware of my flaws as a human being. I can say with absolute one-million-percent confidence that NO ONE should worship me. Ever. If I can just manage to be a decent human being for more then 10 minutes at a time, I feel like I'm winning the lottery. Earning someone's respect is an honor above honors. I just don't see why I need worship. Ick. Yuck. Blech. Please, no.

And given the fact that I can't even remember the product, clearly I wasn't their target consumer, so I guess we're all good. I didn't need what they were selling, and they weren't trying to sell to me. But I do hope that no one will be disappointed when I don't join the world in worshipping them. 

So that happened

The other day, I sent off this text:
"this is Elise. I think I left a hot pad at your house on Tuesday and wondered if you'd found it laying around by chance."

The answer I received was:
"Huh?"

Yeah, so what I really sent was:
"this is 3. I think I left a road at your house on Tuesday and wondered if you'd found it laying around by chance."

Which makes zero sense. So I replied:
"Sorry, Elise. [meaning, "Sorry, I meant it's Elise" but clearly doesn't read that way.] I think I left a hot pad behind. Sheesh, I get an F for that text!"

Anyway, we made arrangements for me to get it back, and life went on. The next day, at a church meeting, I noticed a text that said:
"3, this is 4. I have your road. I can meet you at the East door after the assembly. Come alone. Don't tell 5."

Which is honestly one of the best texts I have ever gotten in my life. And, quite frankly, is there any other way to respond to the texting fiasco I created? Brilliant.

The moral of the story is, I'm bad at texting, when you get weird texts from people you know, you should just have fun with it, and it's still not as bad as the time auto-correct told me Satan would help me find a ride to Church.

Small talk

I don't consider myself the best at small talk. Or the best conversationalist. I either can't think of anything to say or I just can't stop talking and I interrupt and just go into verbal dump mode. I just can't seem to find the happy medium. 

I feel like last week was a massive swing to the verbal dump end of the spectrum and by the end of the week there was this inner me (I swear there is a sane person inside who isn't an obnoxious conversation hog or silent Sally) that wanted to grab me by the ear and take me out in the hallway for a little timeout until outer me could get a grip on myself. Sadly, inner me didn't have the steering wheel.

Anyway, people are really nice and patient, but if anyone wants to volunteer to be my on the spot mother and keep me from going crazy you might be doing the world a favor.   

This is NOT a thing

Has anyone else noticed the trend in gimmicky headlines to say things like, "The Internet (fill in the blank)"? And is anyone else bothered by it?

I noticed it a lot during the Olympics. Which I didn't really watch, but based on the headlines, "the Internet" probably needs to be either hospitalized, sent to therapy, or go on a vacation. I don't know how many things broke "the Internet" or how many times 'the Internet' expressed an strong feeling about something ("So-and-so just did xyz and the Internet is not happy") or thought something. And it continued through the Oscars.

I'm not sure why I find this so annoying. Maybe it is too much like someone referring to themselves in the 3rd person. Maybe I just hate the arrogance of assuming that the American Internet is "The Internet". Maybe I just think it's idiotic to try to personify something as incoherent as the internet. Maybe I'm just getting old. Or maybe it's just that every time a headline uses "the Internet", it is bound to be about something totally trivial. "The Internet" is a very obnoxious entity.* 

Whatever the reason, I find "the Internet" really annoying and I'm opposed. Boo on "the Internet"!

*As opposed to the internet, which, while sometimes obnoxious, is just a useful tool. 

Bad books

I have a friend from Brasil who is expecting a little girl in a few weeks. In preparation for her shower, I wanted to get her some books in Portuguese.* I did manage to find one that was all Portuguese (not English/Portuguese) with a cute picture of a sloth on the front. It seemed like a possibility, so I ordered it.

When it arrived, of course I flipped through it. I am not remotely fluent in Portuguese, but I can pick up on quite a bit as I do know Spanish, more or less.** The gist of the book, from what I picked up, was that this sloth fell asleep everywhere--the bank, school, etc. Not a compelling story, but whatever. Then, on the last page, the sloth falls asleep at the wheel of the car, and the picture shows the sloth behind the steering wheel with the airbag deploying! WHO WRITES A PICTURE BOOK LIKE THIS?!?!?!?!

I get the desire to teach kids safety, but really? In a picture book? For little kids? With a cute sloth? And maybe I'm missing some key detail in my lack of Portuguese, but the airbag was hard to miss.

No. Just no.***


*It is really hard to find Portuguese books in the US. Can we fix this? But, I did check out Amazon and Walmart's Brasil sites. Who knew Walmart was a thing in Brasil?
**Usually less, methinks.
***This book will be returned. I'd like to not cause my friend's baby trauma. 

The problem with communication

So, I was having a conversation with someone at work about fruit snacks. And we were talking about how they were the perfect size for getting your sweet craving satisfied. And I mentioned they should package chocolate chips that way (she agreed, by the way. Any chocolate chip companies reading this, there's an idea for you).

Then in my head I continued the conversation, thinking about how that probably wouldn't help because I would eat 3 packages of hypothetical chocolate chip packages. Like when I opened the single-serve bag of Cadbury mini eggs, and was going to just have a couple, but at the whole bag (small bag, guys, small bag). Thinking about Cadbury stuff made me think about Easter stuff, like peeps, and reminded me of a thing I'd seen on Fruit Punch Peeps (which is SO SO WRONG), and a recipe where they made cupcakes, stuck a peep on top, and then frosted over the peep.

And then I was about to say something about peep-frosted cupcakes. But, if you recall, the last part of the conversation that was said out loud was chocolate chips. So the conversation would have gone like this:

"They need to make single-serving bags of chocolate chips."

"Totally."

"Don't cupcakes with peeps on top and a layer of frosting sound disgusting?"

A little lacking in cohesion, if you know what I mean. And, I think one of the things that makes communication so difficult. If other people are like me, they don't actually speak out loud some of the steps in the thought process. No wonder people get confused!

Although, it can keep things interesting.

Fun with Google Translate

Somehow, I don't think that's right....

Life is not like [fill in sport of choice here]

The other day at work the thought hit me that I really needed a break from life. And, in trying to find the right way to describe it, I opted for the good old sports analogy: I needed a substitution. Just a chance to sit on the bench and rest for awhile.

Which got me thinking about how life really isn't like sports. Which is not to say there is no commonality at all--I just used the sports metaphor*, so clearly I'm not totally opposed. I'm just saying there are limits. So, here you have it: All the ways life is not like sports at all.

1) There are no substitutions. This, I feel, is a bit of an oversight.

2) There is no half time. Again, oversight.

3) No fans watching me play. This is not an oversight. This is a relief. Thank you, Universe.

4) Pretty sure that even if it is like sports, we're pretty much all playing a different game. And even when we're playing the same game as someone else, we're following different sets of rules. Very problematic. No wonder there's so much chaos. And somehow, I really like envisioning life this way, a bunch of people all playing different sports. So much potential for humor and entertainment! (Susie the tennis player going up against Johnny the rower. What kind of mash-up do you get from that?) It's so descriptive. I just really like this idea.

5) Did I get a warm-up?

6) The events do the equivalent of Chinese Fire Drills. One second, I've got one group of players. Then, all of a sudden, different team, different sport, different rules. Is it even a team sport? How do I score things? I'm so confused!**

7) I'm not so sure we make the team we're best suited for. Hypothetically (and it must by hypothetical because I have no aptitude for athletics), let's say I'm a great swimmer. But rather than put me on the swim team, Life has decided I should be on the curling team. Complete mismatch.

8) A lack of trophies. Or medals. I think I'm pretty okay with this. But I don't think more medals and trophies (when merited) could hurt.

So, the really important thing that we've learned here is that you should never take a metaphor*** too far. Got it? Great. How about a team cheer?

*what is the distinction between metaphor and analogy? For the purposes of this post, let's assume they are interchangeable. Just for fun.
** To quote my high school calculus teacher.
***Or analogy. Whichever. 

Upgrades

Well, it's almost here--the long awaited release of Elise 3.3! I know, I know, you can hardly contain yourself for all the excitement. And I know it has been kept under wraps, so there is an aura of mystery, which has probably got all your hopes up, so I hope you are not disappointed by the reality.

I'm sad to say that I think this year's release is going to bring about some complaints. Some of the hardware is a bit out of date and a little creaky. The software is hit and miss too. The memory is a bit slow, and things in general are running a touch slower than in last year's release. But, there are some new programs that we've developed since last year, and this year's release will still offer hours of good entertainment and fun.

What this year's release lacks in newness, it might just make up for in experience, which in this line, counts for something. So, get ready to celebrate the release next week with a bit of cake and ice cream!

Wait, what language are we speaking?

We have been hosting a delegation of archivists from China at work lately, and today, I was part of a presentation we did for them. Now, I don't speak Chinese. I did my undergraduate in Spanish (and it's debatable how fluent I am). And as I was preparing my portion of the presentation, I automatically started translating it into Spanish, as if somehow that would help in communicating with our Chinese delegates. Consciously, I was completely aware of the fact that Spanish is not Chinese. But I still kept trying to translate to Spanish.

This is not the first time I have had this happen. And I'm not the only one who does this. My co-worker, who was also part of the presentation, mentioned having that experience, and I have other friends who have had the same experience. And it isn't just Spanish. One friend spoke Russian. I just think it is so fascinating that my brain says, "Ah! We're not speaking English! Great, then we are speaking the other language I know. Okay, switch gears, speak the other language." I'm sure that there has been research done on it and there are fascinating studies one could read, but I just love observing it in life. And fortunately, I didn't try to give my presentation in Spanish. I think that might have really confused the interpreter.

How does that sound?

I have a friend in Bangladesh, and she was taking a little jaunt up to Khatmandu. I know next to nothing about Khatmandu (next to nothing being I know that it is a place and it is called Khatmandu. Nothing would be minus that information), but it has a nice ring to it.

While the sound of a place isn't the only way I decide where I'm going to travel (okay, I don't really have a defined set of criteria, but this probably wouldn't make the list. It would be one of those added bonus things), there are some places I would love to say I'd been to just because it is so fun to say. For example, Cheboygan. It just rolls off the tongue. Schenactady? Fun to say (and I have a friend who grew up there, so that counts for something). Cochabomba. Quetzaltenango, Guayaquil. Toowoomba--I totally want to say I've been to Toowoomba. There are a lot of fun country names too. Azerbaijan. Burundi. Liechtenstein (fun--and the capital is fun to say too. Vaduz). And all the former USSR republics? I have no idea how to even pronounce them, but they always make me wish I did.

Finding cool places is the strongest argument for the continuation of printed maps. Trying to find cool place names in Google maps just isn't the same experience at all. Maybe it's the archivist in me talking, that part of me that will never become paperless, but I think it is true all the same. I will probably never travel to most places in the world, but it's fun to dream. And to say all those cool place names!

Cannibalistic Bullfrogs and Boggy-Hillocks Batman!

The other day, my niece was telling me about a website that will give you a hobbit name, and it was really fun and entertaining, and we were having a great time laughing at the silliness of it all. And one of the last names it generated was Boggy Hillocks, which is just hilarious, and should be used as an exclamatory phrase whenever possible. "Boggy Hillocks, I lost my keys!" or "Oh, Boggy-Hillocks, I forgot!"

And that reminded me of another funny phrase. I was working with some records one day (paper records, that is. Not that many people know what a vinyl record is anymore, but just in case you were confused), and my co-worker found some records about a guy's trip down south where he encountered cannibalistic bullfrogs. Isn't that a great phrase? "Cannibalistic bullfrogs!" Works for frustration, excitement, or general silliness. And, honestly, can you come up with a better name for a band? I would totally go listen to a band called the Cannibalistic Bullfrogs (as long as they weren't heavy metal or something like that, which just isn't my thing).

Words are so much fun. I am kind of a nerd about words, and have been known to flip through the dictionary looking for fun new words. I am not a favorites person, but I have a favorite word (defenestrate. I just love that we have a word that means that). My favorite shows and books are the ones that have a creative use of language. Clever use of language is a sign of real wit.

I have one simple rule when it comes to words. If you can communicate your meaning with it, it is a word. Gives a lot of leeway to proper speech. And leads to a lot of fun.

So, yeah. I don't think this post really has much of a point, other than words are cool and you should have lots of fun with them. The End.

Transfer

I was looking at my blog labels and I decided I needed to create a controlled vocabulary. And then I chuckled a little bit, because controlled vocabularies are what one studies in library school, which I just finished doing. This is a fine example of what we call transfer (something I learned about in--you guessed it--a library class).

I am glad to know that I actually learned something. Your tax dollars have not been wasted.

Say What?

This week at work, I came across material relating to zebra mussels. And as I said it out loud, I thought, "This would make a great curse phrase!" You know the type of thing--you forget to buy milk when you are at the store. "Zebra mussels!" You stub your toe. "Zebra mussels!" Someone tells you something absurd. "Oh, zebra mussels." It just rolls off the tongue. And, it is so much catchier than *$!@**#.

It takes a lot of creativity and higher level thinking to come up with witty comebacks to situations that call for words of the four-letter variety. I had a student once, a 4th grader, who favored "Stupid ketchup." You can make that a very expressive phrase. Much more expressive than drat or darn, because you have more to work with, which gives you longer to get the right intonation in there.

A roommate and dear friend invented the phrase, "Peahonker." This alternative to names like idiot, dolt, moron, numbskull, silly billy, etc. also has a certain ring to it. It has the added benefit of adding an element of absurd to any conversation, and it is really hard to be angry or upset when you hear the word peahonker. One of my co-workers, a wonderful lady in the young grandma phase of life, loved the word, but kept forgetting it (admit it, it would be hard to remember if you didn't hear it several times a day in your apartment). She would come up to me and ask, "What was that word again?" "Peahonker?" "Yes!"

There are so many fun and ridiculous sounding words that it is a pity to get stuck in the rut of the usuals. And we could invent so many more! If you need help, I recommend spending time with a 3-4 year old. I once had a name calling contest with my (at the time) three year old nephew. His favorite put down went something along the lines of "You are a spicy hot flamingo eating an ice cream truck." How do you respond to that?

So, be creative. Peruse the dictionary, be creative, keep your ears open, and spend time with some kids. You will soon have a brilliantly witty repertoire of comebacks that will liven any discussion, you malarkical mass of miscible rutabega you.

Zebra Mussels!

A Tribute

Perhaps you have wondered about the odd URL for my blog. Most of you probably have no idea what patikiwaka means. If you aren't wondering about this, then you probably know my dad.

Last year, I spent about 8 months living with my parents and brother. It was a fabulous experience, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I have never woken up laughing as much as I did during that time, and I have my dad to thank for that. Here is a typical morning:

Front door shuts. creaks and thumps of footsteps overhead. Murmured voices as Mom eats breakfast and Dad works on crossword. Suddenly, singing. The words are not recognizable, it appears to be jibberish, in a nasal, false operatic voice. The performance is interspersed with 'humming' of familiar tunes, and a few intelligible phrases, but is, for the most part, nonsensical song and monologue. In spite of its silliness, there is an underlying sense of contentment. I lay in bed enjoying the routine, chuckling to myself. Another day has started off with a grin.

What does this have to do with patikiwaka? Well, that is one of my dad's favorite nonsensical phrases to orate. I got in on the blog scene kind of late, and do you know how hard it is to find a blog address that doesn't involve some kind of number? I know it is kind of a shocker, but patikiwaka wasn't taken.

Is this early onset senility? No. My dad has always dabbled in absurd phrases. Growing up, our favorite was Black-o-gee-gits and Ickie Stewies. Later, he added, "Bleh on your units." In recent years, "My name is Herkimer Snerd. Some people say I'm a nerd," became part of his repertoire. The singing is just the most recent evolution in his act.

You may still have your doubts about my old man's sanity, but let me assure you, he's not crazy. At least no crazier than anyone else. The best way to describe this morning ritual is his way of showing joie de vivre.* And while it was nice that patikiwaka wasn't already taken for a blogspot, it is also very significant to me. It means being happy, enjoying the moment, not worrying, being silly because it's fun, randomness, making it up as you go, and on and on. It seemed an appropriate choice for my blog.

I miss home, and of course I talk to my family on the phone and stuff. But I really really miss waking up laughing.  I wonder if my dad would do a wake up call....

This blog post is brought to you by:
the economy, for getting me back home
Penny, who is also entertaining in the morning
The Idaho State Journal, for getting my dad out of bed in the morning
Silliness, because it's beautiful
the internet, without which I wouldn't be blogging
blogger, for providing me with such a cool blogspot
sleep
the letter p
and the number 17