Too much

Do you know what there has been too much of during this pandemic? I mean, besides the pandemic and unemployment and economic havoc, and conspiracy theories and people being mad at each other, and dying and loss and fear and uncertainty and all of that. You know, besides the actually important things. No clue? Well, it's me.

There is too much of me, specifically in virtual meetings. And not too much of me talking. Just too much of me on camera. Initially, I wasn't using my camera but I realized that it was creating a detachment that wasn't helpful. So I've been turning it on the last couple of months. Taking one for the team, sure, but definitely not doing myself any favors. I've become self-conscious about certain physical characteristics that I always knew existed, but not seeing them constantly thrown in my face, didn't bother me.* But, now I see myself on camera half the days of the week and it is hard not to be aware of the gap between my teeth or how sometimes my nose looks huge and sometimes my neck seems too short. Or that I have a big old zit or whatever on my face that makeup just isn't hiding. 

The beautiful thing about how we are designed is that we can't see how we look when we are talking or doing anything. It's a gift, a merciful beautiful gift. And whoever designed Zoom and Skype and Google meet or whatever and every other virtual meeting app has gone and done the thing that nature was smart enough NOT to do: given us a perpetual mirror. Why? Why would you do that? What narcissistic sadist thought that would be a favor to the world? 

And yes, I can turn off my camera, but then I am basically not a part of the group. That's just how it is, guys. It happens in family meetings and in group meetings. When it's a question of a person who is on video and a letter representing a person on the call, the letter loses, big time. It's just the reality. Part of it is just how our brains work, and I think part of it is there is a subtle message that you don't want to be more than a fly on the wall (which sometimes is the best way to get through a meeting, I admit). So, it's a choice--be all in, or avoid seeing myself.

I just don't understand why there isn't an option for my camera to be on and everyone else to see me without me seeing me. We've sent people to the moon. We're shooting for Mars. We carry around miniature computers in our pockets. Why can we not have a one-way online camera? Come on people! Work with me here!

Anyway, I know that given the scale of problems in the world, this isn't really even in the top thousand, but in terms of fixable, it certainly makes the top 500 at least, right? And, since we aren't all qualified to cure COVID, those of us who can might as well fix this problem. 

Please. Save me from myself. 

*I'm pretty sure they don't bother anyone else, I'd be surprised if they spent that much time thinking about me. Most people don't.