In Memoriam - ish

This week I went to a memorial service for a co-worker who died of cancer. Now, to give some background, I was not close to this co-worker even though I worked directly under her for three and a half years. I thought she was a very nice person, a very gentle and optimistic person, but I didn't really know much about her and never did really figure out what made her tick. This could lead to frustration in a work environment, but not because I didn't like her, just because the reality is that when you spend 40 hours/week around people working with them, there's bound to be some friction sometimes.

The second piece of background information that is important is that I have only been to 3 other funerals in my life, all of them L.D.S. funerals and none more recent than 12 years ago. So I don't really have a good foundation to compare this memorial too.

That being said, it felt very hollow and empty. The person presiding (I'm not sure what her official title is) was lacking in conviction in my mind and what little religion she brought to it didn't seem to really offer much hope or comfort, which was strange to me. But the other thing that was odd to me was how little there seemed to be said about the deceased. I had this idea that maybe I would come away knowing her a little better, as someone besides a boss, and was quite disappointed. The first speaker told about their work on a project together, and a lot of it was the history of the project, with very generic statements about my co-worker. The second speaker, another co-worker, sounded like she was presenting at a professional conference, not talking about a human being. The only person who really came across as having had any kind of relationship with the deceased was her brother. And I couldn't help thinking how sad it was, because she was so much more than a project or a career. I don't know what else there was, but there was more than that. She was a human being with interests and frustrations and concerns and idiosyncrasies, but no one seemed to talk about that. It was a resume, not a remembrance.

This got me thinking about what people would say at my funeral. First, I don't know who would even speak at my funeral, but I sure hope they wouldn't see the sum total of my life as the job I held or some project I worked on. I also hope they would have the good sense not to make me a one-dimensional character by only speaking about my positive traits. I want people to know that I was flawed. I want them to know that I wasn't always positive, even though I always wanted to be a positive person. I want them to know I struggled with my temper and felt bad about that. I want them to know that I didn't eat right and didn't get enough sleep and wasn't always as compassionate as I could have been. But I also want people to know that even though I wasn't as good as I wanted to be, I wanted to be good.

I want people to know that I found joy in giving gifts and doing little things for other people, just to see them smile. I want people to know I was a bit snarky and mischievous. That I liked to make people laugh and even though I was really shy, was also a bit of an entertainer in that sense. I want them to know that I loved learning and sharing what I learned. I hope people know that I wanted to make my corner of the world a little better and just wanted people to be happy.

I hope people will know that the most important thing to me was my faith and that it was the only thing I couldn't live without. I hope that there will be enough evidence of that in how I lived.

I hope they will read something I've written, or that my nieces and nephews will remember that I made up stories. And that I loved hugs. I hope they will talk about all of the books I owned. I hope they will have memories of me being with them. I hope that they will say I made some kind of difference, big or small, in their life. I hope they will miss me, and I hope that I will be a real person for them.

So, now that my hypothetical funeral is over, I think I'll get on with living and hopefully managing to be the person I want to be in the process. And maybe someday, I will finally get to know my co-worker for the person she is.