Unscripted

I had to take notes to remember myself. JH

Once upon a time it was yesterday. -MHM

What did you do over the break? I turned into a giant people bruise. -ER

Never throw them at a rock. If you do, goodbye your knee. -MAT

I was not prepared to worry about that. -ER

It's sour and it's fizzy. That's all I need. -ER

I'm a genius and I forgot about it. 

Sometimes I forget that, too. -ER & LJD

Yeah, I don't buy food from people carrying fly swatters. -JBT

So the thing about the EAD tool is it's stupid. -DRT

The only thing I hate worse than liars is skim milk. -BJN

What just happened to the world? -LER

How did the world happen with people dropping shoes? -LER

So stop crying, Paul! -EMTM

That wouldn't float on a balloon. -LER 

They're like cigars but instead of being filled with sin, they're filled with chicken. -BPN

Why are you turning here? 

Because it felt like a good place to turn. 

No, it's not.

That's fair. -TPT and ART

Crime takes time. I don't have that. -PF

That's a flat Stanley coffin! Did you kill flat Stanley? -PF

This round is not the greatest thing I've ever done. -AMP

Never have the words turkey baster and jelly fish been deployed in the same sentence before. -SM

Noodles are interesting, so we don't eat them cuz they're gross. But pasta is yummy. -LER

The trees are not cloudy but the sun is cloudy. -LER, I think

And he has two foots for his toes. -LER, I think

It's a jackal, a jackrabbit, and a cantaloupe. -NST, describing a jackalope.

I adore that turtle. -MAT

It's joy in your mouth. -KJT

I will take out that clobber of monsters! -MAT

I will hit it in the bonk and kill it. -MAT

People are the worst.

No. Wasps are the worst. People are a close second. -ER and BJN

It's Timothy in marketing. -DCR?

They [sloths] do everything slowly, and that includes drowning, which is called swimming. -DCR

I think that was my childhood. --MAT, age 4

Skills I do not have: starting parties.

Skills I do not have: going to parties. --ER and ??

I'm not special, I'm just a wuss. -ER

If I've done good in the world today, can I go home? -TM

Your socks are really speaking my language. -TM

NPR doesn't know me. -TM

It just seems weird: Congratulations, you've stayed in one place for five years. That's not an achievement. That's lethargy. -ER

How do you spell 'dinosaur'?

Well, I spell it with a 'z'. -MAR and DCR

One of God's gifts to the world: penguins. -KS

How's life?

Lifelike. -JCR & RCR

You know my butt is ticklish. -BJN

Passions are not meant to be exciting. -EMT

33% milkfat. That's creamy. -ER

I hate world peace. It's the worst idea ever. -EMT

But your mouth is closed and you're a puzzle piece. -MAT

I don't know what an attitude is but they [monsters] have feet. Or else they'd be ghosts. -MAT

And then the little alien said, "I have to go potty." -MAT (Now I really want to see this scene in a movie).

Gloop is my boop. -MAT

Did you measure up? 

Nope, I measured down. He started at the top and went down. TPT & ART

Let me measure your lips. They're 2 pounds. --MAT

Some pirates do it the other way. They have to audition. -EMT

I can use it for barricades? -ERT

Do you mean bear caves? -MAT

I'll be bathtized! -TAD

I used to be able to do somersaults when I was a kid. --TAD, age 6

My goats are going to foster care! --friend of ART

I wonder how many bodies you could fit in there. --a random girl overheard by JP. (There=gun safe)

This year, mend a squirrel. --CJR

I hate everything. --RAR

-Have you fought any bad guys lately? Penguins? Pirates? Dragons?

-Rogue taco cart owners? -ER & BJN

How many washers do I need to own? -ER
Uh, 62, don't ya know? -EMT

You're right. Wooden swords for the kids and a real one for me. -BJN

The temperature says it's June. The trees say it's September. The calendar says it's October. I say it's naptime. -ER

It's my fart. -LJD

It's about a penguin from birth to adultery. -JJD

I have a dry clean only shirt that's about to learn the cold harsh realities of living in my house. -CSR

Firebenders: The Slytherin of Avatar: the Last Airbender. -ER

There's something wrong with People. -ER

The world loves a Harry, but it runs on Nevilles. -ER

I feel like a bandana would be more comfortable--nice and loose at the bottom, so there's not as much moisture buildup. With the added bonus of looking like a train robber. -ER

 

Hollywood Video! A relic of the past.

Radio commercials! A relic of the past…?

LOTR! A timeless high-fantasy epic that will never die. -KSM

"General Plan of Entertainment" is an amazing phrase that I want to use forever now. I'm going to start walking into work (when that's a thing again) and saying, "Alright, my general plan for entertainment for the day is hijinks and shenanigans." -ER

Getting old is not for the faint of heart. -ART

He left it. So I could eat it.  That’s how it goes. -MAT

Individuals are great. It's people that I don't like. -MS

Yes. Fear is always the answer. -KSM

It's time to fight fear with fear. -KSM

All of the above. I mean, if I want to be a pickle connoisseur... -KSM

They reinvented the wheel.
But they didn't even make it round! -JH and BR

These are things that need to happen, and frankly doing my job is interfering. -JN

Can I be Treebeard? I mean, it's okay if I'm Gandalf... -NJ

Never have so many words come together to create so little meaning. -ER

I'm working on being able to do a full pull-up. I can do about a third right now but I'm making progress. -JN

Like Frozen. 'Too bad you weren't raised by mystical trolls.' That's what I got out of that movie. -KMcB

I love scaring people. It's probably one of my best qualities. --JLR

You look like death. 
Thank you! --ER and JLR

We take really good care of our pamphlets. -JN

I'm not an altogether deplorable person. -CET

Challenge accepted. Sincerely, Putin. -CET

Heaven knows I will be here a thousand years every other day this week. - ARB

I'm not saying we're terrible people, but we're not good people. Elder Peterson

The whole point of a jeep is that it's not a truck. -ER

So, you told them the truth, right? Provenance is a type of cheese. Migration is what birds do, and who needs preservation? Just buy a lighter and have at it. -KS

What is the point of having an office if you can't use it to take your sweat pants off? -ER

Can we get you anything? Coke? Chocolate? Sanity if we can find any? -ARB

It's like a giant vending machine of death. -Elder Dunn

He moved on from coal. They weren't getting the message. -Elder D. 

Why are people weird?
It's a people problem. -ER, KS

Cookies and blankets make the world bearable. -ARB

There is a 99.9999% chance you are not dumb. -ER

"This day needs chocolate. And a blanket. And a pillow."
"Hot chocolate."
"And a book"
"That's not about Church history."
"Yeahhhh."
--ER, FF, ARB

It's amazing how many circuses are run out of office buildings. -ER

If fermented shark is the only strike against you, you're doing pretty good. -ER

I personally think I deserve a Nobel peace prize for not becoming a teacher. So many lives saved by that one decision! -ER

I heard the lights blink. -TAD

Can't you just learn to be hot? -NGD

It tastes like paint thinner mixed with the gates of hell. -TT

You're not old. It's just that everyone else is very young. -ER

Peek-a-boo is always professional! -ER

You're on the same page, it's just that hers is in Spanish and yours is in Armenian. -ER

Mom, I'm sorry I took my warm clothes out of the laundry, but I actually did. -NST

This Monday should never have happened. -ER

I never let people win unless they are under 10 or on the verge of tears. -EW

Some things should not be things. -ER

It's taking forever! 
What is? 
Friday! - ER & TT

I didn't think the Devil would stoop so low as to bring Taco Bell into marriage. -ER

I'm a selective capitalist. It's totally fine. Tony Stark and Captain America both love me. - CS

It's all about me being hilarious.  ERT

Clones are always evil anyway. Let's not open the door. - a CSM

Do you ever have days when you think, "What have I accomplished by getting out of bed?" -ER

"My brain is magic, when it is empty a thought appears out of nowhere." - EDR

Well, tell it to burp or something so it's an improper noun. -ER

Mom can't run for president. She hurt her ankle. -ERT

It has to involve a hippo and a llama, probably doing some kind of ethnic dance. -AS

It's kind of like funhouse mirrors for audio. -RMG

Sounds like Tiramisu! -DB

Every dog deserves its day. -ER

There's GOT to be a guy there who doesn't want to marry his third cousin twice removed. -ER, when giving reasons for moving to Iceland

I read that someone said that only a crazy person would want to be prime minister of Italy. That means one in four Americans are eligible! - ER

-How can you say no?
-In Swahili. - ER & NER 

Pandas can't be doctors 'cause they don't study medicine. -NER

Perception is nine-tenths of reality. -MC

Bureaucracy: a slow-moving explosion. -KW, ER, EH

There will be a wedding cake there, so I don't have to look like one. -AM

That's what I've been doing wrong with all my wands! -ER

You know you are stressed out when driving from Idaho to Michigan sounds relaxing. -ER

What we learn from this is that I need a fancier name for brownies. -ER

It's hard to walk when you're running. -EDR

There's just no winning, so I'm going to be a loser with a steak. -ER

If they want my blood for vampires, they can just suck it. -ER

I've been miscast in my own life. -ER

I'm developing an accent. -ER

Her brain is like a lint roller. It just picks up stuff. -KW

I hate doing things that I don't like to do. -EDR (age 4)

This is exactly not mine. -JJD

My nerd line might be kind of squiggly. -ER

I've learned to take it with a grain of salt. Sometimes a big grain. Like a salt lick. -ER

It's so much trouble to get in trouble. Way too much work. -ER

"Yeah, if you're going to be a dictator, don't be a jerk about it." -HG

Purgatory doesn't seem bad if you think you're going in the right direction. -KT

it's good enough to go up against cohoogling and shenanigan. - AM

We can't all be spicy chicken. -ER

I have a relationship with this popcorn, and you can't be in it. -HCR

Too many variables make for unsolvable problems. -ER

The world is a wacky, topsy-turvy place, where people like Mick Jagger get knighted and Snickers get deep-fried.  Who knows what's next.-AM

We are not put-together, smart, successful people, we are children plus time plus enough growth spurts to let us reach the car pedals and top shelves of the cereal aisle.  I feel like something was falsely advertised when I was little.  I don't know who to sue. :) -AM

Corvettes and Porsches and Lamborghinis, oh my! -ER/HVD

When I'm an elephant and you're a dragon, we can play basketball. -JJD

I think I would be a safe stalker. -KT

It tastes like happiness. HVD

That doesn't inspire me. It makes me feel like a walking knick-knack. -ER

I'm going to start using the alien names from Doctor Who to express my wrath. -ER

It's not like I get to say "I'm Elise 3.2." Oh, I am so going to start doing that! -ER

Oh, yeah. I forgot. - JD (after attempting to pour bathwater on the floor)

No, that's Finding Nemo. We're not going there. -JD

Your sensibilities are already disturbed. -ER

I've never heard the sentence 'I should make brownies so I can make cheesecake' but I like it.-AM

I can fry a mean squash. -AM

Because what else can you do with a mean squash? -ER

I am not Darth Vader. This HAS to be a good thing. -ER

That website is a travesty.  I don't understand how anybody with eyes can make such a thing. -AM

When the universe is conspiring to demolish you I think the only option is to poke it in the eye. I need a stick... -ER

I just think that whoever had the idea of today should have no more ideas ever. -AM

 

as long as you dally when you dilly - AM

 

cuz dumb people are idiots! -CSR 

it's better at dinner than it is at breakfast because it tastes like rebellion-AM

As opposed to private history? -NP

He measures time by chips. -PH

That is the most hoity-toity couch ever. -EL

I don't like the future. -AM

real life is NOTHING like PE. -AM

There's something about brown sugar and oatmeal and fruit that's just delectable. -ER

I'd ask for a refund (about Daylight savings time being on one's birthday) -DCR

The probability of reality is statistically insignificant. -KT

ER-There's a story behind that bench.

KT-There isn't. There's nothing behind it.

Energy and conviction--in the middle of February. That's asking a lot, i think. -ER

 

Have you ever noticed when you turn a heart upside down it looks like a bum? -CSR

I just have a problem buying something with Miracle in the title. -IB

She's like Facebook but in real life. -EJ

yes! There seems to be no medium. I need a medium. -AM

dr. chuck should invent a python code for that. -AM

That is the kind of sad that would make the Mary Poppins kids fall to the floor. - ER

 

Hibernation would have been a great option right about now. - ER

I would like to lodge a complaint. Someone stole my identities. - ER

I would be the best hunter. I wouldn't be afraid to stab anyone. -EJ

( in response to) "Man did not notice nail in brain." Sometimes you're busy and you don't notice things. - AM

And then the bad people and bad printers win. -AM

I need boolean think settings, this is what my life has been missing. -AM

I think it's a good idea to avoid all the cars. -ER

It's two bonks past your bedtime. -DCR

"Anything can sound productive if you use the right phrasing. It's all about marketing." -ER

It's better than saying...Honey!  -CR

You never know when you're going to need to calculate when two trains are going to meet. -ER

I highlighted myself. -DCR

"Traffic police spokesman Mitsuyoshi Isejima called the event "a gathering of narcissists," according to Bloomberg." -Luxury Sports Car Wreck, AM

I would have to list my birth as the most important event in my life.  That’s how it all began and it has been a most wonderful and worthwhile experience. - Grandpa Cook, from his life history

 

All history is revisionist history.

Except for mine. I wrote that thing, and I didn't revise it once. - BE

We chose great millennial professions. -ER

Afros are magic. - MDMCM

Nothing says adult like a monocle. - ER

I like squirrels. -JN

sometimes, you just have to say, "that's enough with looking at Minnesota real estate while listening to Veggie Tales. Let's encode some EAD." - AM

[about staggered breathing] Just breathe through one nostril. KT

When all else fails, fall asleep. SH 

Ladders are important in archives. They create access. We should know more about them. -AM

 

You should care.

I'll add that to my list of things I should do. -JK & ER

If you only have one wish, always wish for more wishes. -EmJ

I'm going to color the crap out of Captain Moroni. -EmJ

I'm a big fan of your self-interest. -AM

It was an accident. I meant to make a coffee table.-KT

I am understated. -KS

I can't be the one with the masculine sneeze in this relationship.-KS

It has Russian Nazis and cummerbunds. -KT

I'd rather have a dead person on Mars than no person at all. -EmJ

That's what you get for hanging around cats. - BE

I've decided against the month without Facebook...I decided that these are most likely the best Facebook years of my life. -IB

My ankles hurt from existence. -JK

I think it's probably the most fun I've ever had in this building. -AM

I have never successfully used a semicolon. -IB

I have a disturbing situation in my life where I can't find my umbrella. -AM  

That was a decent dollar. -AM  

I am looking at a font called Puritan, and it is offended. -AM

I'm the good kind of toenail.

That is a phrase I never thought I would hear. -ER & BE

Don't get all realistic when I'm being dramatic. -Joanna in the UP

When there is something inside the cookies, you have to double fist them. -MDMCM

So that's what they're calling it now, polishing your tools? -MF

I am a delicate flower, and I'm super hot. -EmJ

Man, if I had feelings, they might be hurt. -EmJ 

 

This tree is full of it. -BE

When is it not a good idea to pour gasoline down a manhole and light it on fire? - Pyro EmJ

Climbing mountains is for sissies. - BE

Licorice me! -BE

I donate my points to charity.

My name is charity. -EL and EmJ

ER likes to lay down a rough draft, and then D. revises it. -EmJ (while playing Qwirkle)

I like the ha ha better than the bwa ha ha. - ER

Coconut is the Walmart of fruit. - P Hernandez and EmJ

"[Eating four brownies] brings me great happiness, too--until my pants don't fit." ER

AS-"There's a method to my madness."

ER-"Oh, well as long as it's methodical."

I think of it as community service. -EmJ

When I go bowling I like to think of palsy. -ELewis

But you can't see anything, because you're a Ding-Dong. -EmJ

"It's the bench we all aspire to visit someday!" SHyde

Well, as an information professional to be I should be a stickler about sources, but I never was all that good at being professional.--ER

"I want to quote myself someday." ER

Maybe that's why I've never gotten the flu. I'm not social enough.--ER

Life isn't very standard." er

"What do you want to play with me?" -NGD

It's amazing what a person can come up with while bumming around in pjs. - er

It's much easier to be stressed and going crazy with friends.-ER

"We'll call it The Method." Some actors might be confused, but otherwise we're good." - dre Stuart

"Apparently there is some value to literacy in the cheeseburger market." - csev

"I do lapse into British once in a while to increase my credibility. I'm sure Google prefers sites with a British accent, because British generally seem smarter than Americans. " - csev

“Persuasion research shows us you, in and of yourself, are not very compelling.” - davwal

I like chalkboard. Bell MT is going to be my new font for next year.--davwal

"Oguh is just not as cool."

"You are a very quick grasshopper."

"It's colloquial." - Reynolds Family