Vision check

You know how they say "hindsight is 20/20"? (They being that random and mysterious group of people who get blamed for everything, big and small, real and mythical, because 'they' sounds better than 'it is said' somehow.) Well, I've come to the conclusion that it just isn't true.

My life situation right now gives me ample cause to question my past actions. I rehash things over and over and over, wondering about the decisions that led me to where I am, and most importantly, constantly asking why I didn't know better. Which is really unfair because you don't know what you don't know, and if you don't find out what it is you don't know until after the fact, what are you supposed to do about it? (Try sorting THAT sentence out!) I have learned that so often in life, there are things that you should find out about but that you would never in a million years, ever, think about finding it out until you are in the situation where you are saying, "I should have known that." If that's the attitude we are going to take, then we should all feel like idiots for not knowing how to read Moby Dick when we were five. (I still haven't read Moby Dick, of course, but that is because I am not interested in reading about a mad man trying to get back at a whale. Which is the general plot, to my knowledge. And if I read it and find out I was wrong about the plot, I wouldn't feel stupid. I would just be glad I knew more. See? There's my point.)

Hindsight really isn't objective, either. I think we often feel that with hindsight, we know all the facts. But why do we think that? We don't, really. And what we know may not even be factual. It may just be that instead of seeing things with a rose-colored lens, we are now seeing them through a chartreuse one. That doesn't mean we are seeing them more clearly. Just differently.

I think we also make the mistake of thinking that our choices have set results. We look back and say, "If I'd done B, instead of A, then C wouldn't have happened." Says who? Where is that rule written? Half the time, I'm not even certain of what choice A will lead to, so how can I be sure that B, which also has numerous potential outcomes, would definitely have brought about a different result? And most things in life are so multifaceted that it isn't ever that straightforward, anyway. We'd have to change A-Z before really getting a different result.

Not that hindsight isn't useful. I know of a couple of things off the top of my head where hindsight shows very clearly what I should have done differently. But the funny thing is, those are things where I knew at the time that I should maybe do something more or something different. The hindsight lesson here is that I should have paid attention and listened to my noggin.

So, the point of all this rambling patikiwakaness? Some days, you'll look back and feel like you can see all the things you should have changed. And when you do, do yourself a favor and give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Because, hindsight really isn't 20/20.

We aren't that different

I've had the chance to be around kids a lot lately, and it occurs to me that there really isn't a huge difference between kids and adults once you strip away everything.

For example, kids want to be loved. They cry and they just want someone to care. They want someone to take care of them. They want the things they do to matter, they want people to be excited when they figure out how to do new things. They want to be hugged and held. They want someone to give them attention, someone to play with them, and take time for them. When they are tired, they are cross. When things aren't working out--the tower falls over, or they can't get the puzzle piece in there, or what have you--they get upset. They don't want to wait for a snack or a story.

I find myself feeling the exact same way. I just want to be loved. I want someone to care about me because I'm me. I want to be taken care of. (Not that I don't want to take care of myself. Even kids like to do things on their own. Ever been around a kid who has just learned how to do something? Don't even think you are going to step in and do it. You'll get a very strong "I do it!" and get shoved out of the way). I want people to be excited about my accomplishments. When I'm tired, I feel cranky. When things don't work out, I want to cry and throw a tantrum. And patience is not a virtue I possess.

Of course, as an adult, I've learned not to throw tantrums--at least not in public, and without so much shouting and tears. I can wait, and sometimes I can do so patiently (books are wonderful like that). And I am normally pretty capable of taking care of myself and I feel a certain satisfaction in that. And when things go wrong, I'm better equipped to handle them, which is good, because as an adult, more things can go wrong, and on a more critical level. So, there are definitely some good things about being an adult, and some essential changes from childhood to adulthood.

But sometimes I think the world might be a better place if we remembered that it's okay to feel like a kid. It's okay to want to be held and loved. It's okay to need to be comforted. It's okay to be scared and not have all the answers and not want to be grown up. Because those things don't really change. And sometimes, what I need more than anything, is to be able to be a kid for a minute, and not have to be an adult. Maybe I'm the only 'grown-up' out there who feels that way, in which case, that explains a lot about me. But in my book, being grown-up doesn't mean we don't feel the same things we did when we were kids. We do. And maybe we'd all be a bit better off if we could sit on someone's lap like a kid once in a while.

Check, please...

I must confess, new years can be a bit anticlimactic. Don't get me wrong, I am all about celebrating, and the start of a new year is a great time. And maybe I'm feeling a bit Scrooge-ish today (I haven't been feeling well lately) but this year especially I feel like New Year's is so arbitrary. I mean, it's not even universally agreed upon!*

But even at an individual level, years are pretty arbitrary. It seems like we often measure life by events. I reflect on my life and I don't usually sit and remember 1995. I remember starting high school, or getting my license, or graduating, or moving, or starting a new job. And then I say, "And that would have been in XXXX." I've been holding my breath, waiting and trying to change my current life situation, and as 2013 has approached, I've thought, "I can't wait for 2012 to be over." But the end of 2012 doesn't mean the end of the rough patch I've been going through, and it's been hard to get motivated for more of the same. 

But there is a bright side. I'm not such a grump that I'm not going to celebrate with everyone else, so I get at least one celebration out of it. And when things do change (I'm going to keep telling myself they will. Otherwise, I might start hyperventilating), I can have another celebration and another chance to have a fresh start, huzzah! And I think that is kind of the point of New Years. Maybe we all need to have some day, no matter how arbitrary, where we can say, "Well, all of the bumps and bruises and beatings of life are getting tossed out today. I'm going to let them go, take a deep breath of fresh new year air, regroup, and keep on keeping on." I think we need a day set aside for regrouping and starting again, even if life is more of the same. So, as you start out on the next leg of life, I just want to say, I hope that your year and mine turn out to be wonderful and full of joy and miracles and happiness.

*I think we need to capitalize on this more. I mean, how many different new years celebrations are there? And each one could be taken as an opportunity to evaluate our progress and recommit to making the changes we want to. We could even add mid-years celebrations and stuff! Not that it has to be a government holiday or anything, but wouldn't it be nice to pause mid-year and reflect? Why wait for 365 days to pass?