I love you, Dad

My dad passed away on Friday.

He was diagnosed with metastatic cancer on May 6th, he came home from the hospital next day and went on hospice. I went up the following Saturday and had the incredible privilege to be there almost the whole time until he passed (I spent a night at my home, after taking my sister to the airport, and then went back up).

During that week, I had the strongest sense of my dad as a whole. My dad not just as the person I perceived him as but as the person he was independent of me and my experiences. One day, my uncle came over and shared his memories (such a gift), friends and neighbors from church and the area talked about what they loved about him, my mom remembered him from years ago, and I remembered him from the many iterations of myself (child, teen, etc.). And I was there, seeing him in the present--often not lucid, but talking and in that talk there was a piece of his soul unhidden. 

But it wasn't just past and present, there was this sense of all his potential, everything he could have been, hoped to be, if life allowed. 

Life was hard for my dad. I don't mean he had a hard life, but life was hard for him. He struggled with mental illness, which understates the full impact of what that means really truly. He had rough times, largely because of that, but also because life just does that to all of us.* He also had an incredible sense of humor, and a sense of fun, and I loved that side of him, when it was able to shine through. But life left marks, as it does. 

Kyle S. McKay, a General Authority Seventy in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, gave a devotional at BYU, titled "There Must Needs Be a Christ". In it, he said, "President Boyd K. Packer taught: “The Atonement [of Jesus Christ] leaves no tracks, no traces. What it fixes is fixed . . . , and what it heals stays healed.” And he talked about people he had seen, who had also been roughed up by life. People you would never know had dark pasts, or unspeakable heartache. "Why? Because there is a Christ, and His Atonement leaves no tracks, no traces."

I miss my dad. I miss his smile, I miss his humor. I miss knowing he will be sitting in the recliner in the living room when I go home. 

But I am so happy that some of the tracks and traces that still existed are gone and the rest are fading. I keep seeing him as he looked in high school, young (and very handsome) and less touched by life. Just all those heartaches and regrets and frustrations of a good heart that wanted something better being wiped away. It makes me so so happy for him. And it is going to be so awesome to see him again. 

*If not, maybe we're not doing it right. A life with no challenges is a stagnant life. Albeit, a comfortable one.

Statement decor

I was browsing online and saw one of those, "She thought she could, so she did" statement things. Now, that particular phrase has never resonated with me and not because it's not a worthwhile sentiment. I think it's more because I'm more of a, "she didn't need to prove anything, so she didn't, and the thing didn't really matter that much and she wasn't actually interested in doing it, so she passed" kind of a person. 

Again, in a certain context, this is a worthwhile statement. You have an idea about something you could do, you want to do it for your own cute little self, yeah. Do it!

But it seems like this mostly comes up in the context of Women can do ALL the things, and then it feels like I have to look at what everyone else is doing and then think I can do it and then I have to go do it, and man, does that sound exhausting or what? Like, it's just this non-stop roller coaster of doing things just to show that you can do them like you thought you could. Seriously, so exhausting. 

I'm glad some people are the, "think it do it" variety. I'm glad they have the energy. And I'm glad they broke and are breaking so many of the ridiculous barriers that didn't ever need to exist. I've really benefitted from that, because I would be a lousy teacher and a terrible nurse, and as long as it was typing and filing, I'd be a decent secretary but answering the phones and staying organized would be a nightmare. So, yay for the think-and-doers! But also, I'm glad I don't have to be one. So thank you ladies, and now I'm gonna go not do something, just because I don't have to. 

Mic drop

This week at work, I've had some mic problems. I hadn't been in a Teams meeting for about 2 weeks, so who knows when it actually started but for sure on Wednesday (maybe Tuesday? Time also seems to be malfunctioning) my team couldn't hear me very well. I tried to troubleshoot myself, which somehow led to my laptop eliminating the mic program altogether. Good news, the tech team was able to fix it and I proceeded to have a call with someone. Yay! Until Wednesday morning, when my mic wasn't working anymore. So, another visit to the tech team and they managed to fix it--again. And it seems to have stayed fixed, because it worked for a training I did today. 

The only downside is that now that my mic works, I don't have an excuse to not say anything in meetings, or cancel them. My team still has to listen to me talk too much, and alas, I don't have an excuse to hand off the interviews for our internship position to someone else. 

But, you know, my mic works. Yay!

Some things don't need to be things

 

Just, why? Okay, sure. You really like pickles. But, you know, you could just eat a pickle. 

Farewell March

It seems fitting that we bid March farewell on a Monday. It wasn't a bad Monday, I mean it was actually pretty decent. It was fine. And I was really going to try to think of something fun and clever and entertaining to write about, but I just don't have anything like that, just a run-of-the-mill Monday, with it's run-of-the mill ups and downs: they fixed one bug in a computer program and now there are a bunch of new bugs; I'm seeing some things that I need to train my team on, and I worry that I'm just not doing a good job of teaching*. But they fixed a problem with on of our interns accounts, so now she can do her job, hooray! And I had a chance to chat with the interns, which I think is always important. I got to work on some collections, and it has been awhile so that was nice. And I helped a friend. 

Even so, it was a day that required cute photographs and hilarious videos of cats walking wonky. It helped, and I made it through the day. And now, to bed, later than I would have liked, as always, but at least I didn't get caught off guard.

*In my defense, there is a reason I didn't get a PhD. Teaching is not my forte. 

It's artificial, but I'm not convinced it is intelligent

Well, friends, I made my first foray into using AI and can now report with authority that it doesn't know how to spell.

I admit, I am a little surprised by the whole spelling thing, because it seems like that would be the sure fire thing. I type in an instruction saying "Make a logo for XYZ brand", you'd think it would get the XYZ right, but nope. Out of maybe 25 tries, it spelled it right 4 or 5 times? I mean, AI is not passing kindergarten with those grades! And it's also a liar, because every time I corrected it on the spelling, it promised it was going to fix it and get it exactly right. (AI put the italics in, not me). 

Also, it would generate a design I liked, but then couldn't edit the design. So, any tweaks and it basically started over. Which, you can imagine. I finally get it spelled right, need to change something else, and nope. Back to square one, on the spelling, the art, everything. And the design I liked? Gone to me forever, because a graphic designer I am not. 

I think I'm less surprised at how poorly it does at reading the instructions. I specified "don't add any fruit to the design" and it kept adding fruit. I'm less surprised, because this is a thing that happens all the time at work. I say to people, "Do xyz" and somehow, the opposite of that seems to happen. However, they at least only had verbal instructions and maybe I was speaking a foreign language at the time, which actually does happen a lot on my team. And even in writing it is sometimes in a foreign language. I also know that I don't always read to the end of emails and stuff, or I skim to get the gist and sometimes miss some details. 

But here's the thing. Isn't AI supposed to be better than me? Admittedly, it far surpasses me in graphic design, but then the design is always wrong, so...??? I'll tell you so--so even though it took 25-30 tries to give me 4-5 correctly spelled designs (and 2-3 that met the artistic specifications, but to be fair, that was a process of me figuring out what I actually wanted, so you can't blame AI), It still only took 15 minutes or so. And if I'd had to do it myself, well, let's just say the peak of my artistic achievement is a stick dinosaur.

Overall conclusions, it's about what I expected it to be and we shouldn't go turning the world over to it any time soon. (Or ever in my opinion, I don't care how good it gets). But the spelling thing. That's just embarrassing.

Ad-gorithms

Maybe I have the wrong end of the stick but my understanding is that streaming services use algorithms to place targeted ads for viewers. If so, I'm really concerned about what the algorithms think about me.

First, they seem to think I have a lot of health problems and need lots of meds. I don't. I don't have lots of health problems and if I needed medications, I definitely wouldn't consult television. I'd talk to a doctor.

Second, they seem to think I am way richer than I am, because they try to sell me a lot of high end cars and trucks. If they want to give me the paycheck to match, sure, I'll consider it.

Perhaps it is just sheer "Sam-I-Am-ness" that leads the algorithms to continue running Burger King ads for me. The last time I ate at Burger King was in Mexico City in 2022 (It was good. Eating at American fast food chains in other countries is always a fun experience. Different menus, different vibe, different perception). Before that, I don't even know. 

The ads did get me to eat Popeye's chicken, and it really wasn't the experience the commercial hyped. It was good, though, and solved the dinner problem. Now they've moved onto Johnsonville sausage, which if I ever need sausage, I'll consider.

So, I'm a sick rich person who eats a lot of fast food and sausage? Ummmm, not so much. Try again, algorithms.

The petty things in life

Well, as the world continues to fall apart (or so it seems, at least on a global scale, which is far different than an individual level where I would like to acknowledge that I am incredibly blessed and really have nothing to complain about on an individual level, beyond the minor nuisances. I can't even complain about the price of eggs, because I have a good job and can afford it, but on behalf of others, I am disgruntled. For many reasons), I can either talk about that or go into a mindless and absolutely unimportant analysis of Awards season fashion, which gives me a chance to be snarky without being dismissive. So, here goes.

Ladies, WHAT in the name of sanity are we wearing on the red carpet these days???? And more importantly, WHY???

I think we are hitting the apex of absurdity in red carpet fashion. I mean, first off, how in the world is a body supposed to navigate a room, let alone sit down in some of these dresses? They look like they are wearing gigantic lampshades. Or have what is essentially a fancy cone that a dog would get from the vet. Or some other structural thing going on with clothing that honestly makes someone wearing a hat in a movie theater seem like nothing in comparison. I mean, let's be real. It's ridiculous. And I for one do not have the spacial awareness to get into some of these architecturally designed gowns, let alone take 2 steps in them without knocking down a building. Perhaps I just lack spatial awareness.

There was also the trend of "stained glass" looking dresses, or crystal-encrusted dresses this year. I mean, those ladies had to sit on those things for 4 HOURS!!! That can't be healthy for the gluteus maximus, you know what I mean? I really hope there was some padding somewhere between the tushie and the dress, because otherwise, agony. And possibly numbness, tingling, loss of control of muscles, etc. Which sounds like the side effects of a medication, frankly.

I also noticed, at least with the Oscars red carpet, that a number of these women's chests are being squeezed right out of the gown. Which can't be comfortable, invites a wardrobe malfunction, and just feels like a gigantic whoospie all around.

There is always that part of me that is just super practical and thinks, "The cost of that dress could buy so many houses. Or feed so many people. Or provide Ukraine with a lot of missiles." (Okay, maybe not that last one, because missiles seem to be really pricey. And they don't even have pearls, diamonds, or crystals on them!) I know, awards ceremonies are big deals and it doesn't have to be all about practicality, but surely you can make a beautiful dress at a more reasonable price? I would think?

On another practical note, do these women freeze all night long? I suppose with enough people in there, there's body heat keeping the room warm enough, but I would definitely be freezing at some point in the 4 hour show. Do they have someone holding a jacket for them, out of sight of the cameras? I sure hope so. And what about bathroom breaks? Are those just off the table for the night for some dresses? You can definitely get a feel for what my clothing requirements are! (gotta be able to move in it, and besides, I like nice flowy looks; gotta be able to go to the bathroom while wearing it; gotta be able to be warm enough in it; and please don't make me worry about how much money I'm wearing, in case I spill something or what have you).

On a non-fashion related note, who are these people? I was looking at all the stars and had no idea who most of them are! Does that mean I've officially hit the "When I was young..." or "Get off my lawn!" stage of life? What is the order on those? "When I was young" comes first, right? Add it to the list of "I'm not young anymore": You don't know most of the people on the red carpet. Good times.

Well, there you have it. Snark about nothing of any great importance, because talking about things of importance kind of hurts these days. It's good to have something to poke fun at. 

Rio de Janeiro

 

Where's the manual?!

As is not too unusual, I have come down with something post-trip. I had a couple of co-workers on the recovering end of something during the trip, but it was also late nights, different climate, different food, working in an archive, several flights (some of which were FREEZING!), so it could have been any number of things, or all of them.

Anyway, this time around, the long weekend wasn't enough for me to recover, which is unusual. I usually bounce back pretty quickly. The year everyone caught the flu working a booth at a conference? I was sick for 2 days then well enough to be back at work, while everyone else was out for a week or two. COVID? I had the 36-hour version. 

This time around, I tried working from home Tuesday (which was a disaster for multiple reasons), and took Wednesday off. Thursday I felt much better, but Friday I was flagging, so I've spent the weekend sleeping a lot, and quite frankly, I'm really bored. I mean, the sleeping is great, but then I wake up and am phlegmy and coughing and sniffling and bored. 

Amidst all of this, I've realized I really don't know how to take care of a sick me. I'm not sure I know how to take care of a sick anyone, but definitely not when it's me. How do you know if you are too sick to work? How do you know if you are sick-tired or just normal tired with a lot of congestion? Do you go see a doctor when it's definitely just one of the oodles of viruses going around? How does that stupid digital thermometer work because I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to shut off in the middle of taking your temperature! 

So, my advice to you is, don't get sick if I'm the only person around. Other than commiserating, I won't be much help.

Not enough memory

On my most recent trip, I encountered the fun problem of not being able to scan anymore because I had filled up my computer memory. So, I had to copy files over to a hard drive, which led to the fun problem of not being able to copy the files because there wasn't enough memory for the operation*. This is not as surprising when you realize that the scans were uncompressed tifs, about 42 MB per image, and I had scanned thousands of images. Also, moving images that size takes a minute, they don't copy over quickly. So, lots of fun, but it worked out. (Now I get to transfer them again so that hopefully I can free up my computer hard drive, because I don't think I can save anything to it!)

Anyway, in the future, just be warned that when I malfunction, I will be blaming it on memory problems. "Not enough memory to perform that operation." Not enough memory to get out of bed. Not enough memory to clean the kitchen. Not enough memory to remember my grocery list. Not enough memory!

*good news: I could find some smaller folders, copy those, delete them, free up more memory, copy over more files, etc. 

What to wear

I leave for a work trip tomorrow afternoon and while I have already checked in for my flight, I have yet to pack.

I have started packing, and I'm doing okay on everything except clothes. I leave home (where it is going to be unseasonably warm but still early spring-ish), go to a place that is 70s and rainy, spend 3 days in a place that is going to be summer temps, and then come home to who knows what weather because someone has rolled out some weather updates that are not very predictable! And, to complicate it a bit more, I will be working in office buildings and particularly in records storage sites that should be about 50 degrees. And for some reason this is breaking my head to try to figure out what the appropriate clothing is. 

It's not as bad as the Peru-Chile-Argentina-Uruguay-Brazil by way of Argentina trip, which was spring, summer, and late winter weather. That one was tricky! But I'm a little jealous of my male coworkers who get to wear white shirts and dress pants. Can I pull that off? Just invest in a bunch of white shirts? But then I'd have to iron them, and that's not going to happen. I know they don't always love the white shirts and pants thing, but they really do have it made.*

There is also always the worry that what is acceptable in the US office is too dressed down in the international offices. And the word is that the top people in the international offices will be there, not that they'll be overly concerned with my work, but still, appearance matters. 

Arrrrgh!! It's too complicated. I think what I need is a Mary Poppins bag that will just have whatever it is I need so that I can stop thinking about this! Or a Harry Potter magic bag, or a TARDIS** so I can pack a lot more stuff and be ready for whatever. 

I don't suppose anyone knows where Mary did her shopping?

*I bet I could just find button up office-style shirts, and that would solve lots of dilemmas. The ironing thing though...that would be rough. 

**Apparently, the space issue is deep seated, because it is infiltrating our fantasy and sci-fi. But that's a topic for another day.

To the Universe's Maintenance Department

To Whom It May Concern:

I would just like to say I am super impressed with your work. You've created a fantastic product. I love the mountains, fall leaves, oceans, and just all the diverse backgrounds you've got going. Also a big fan of all the animals, especially pandas, penguins, and sloths. Huge fan of the birds and I dig the whole plant thing. 

I'm also a fan of the seasons. Love the variety. That being said, I'd like to report a potential maintenance problem. At my latitude and longitude, we get four seasons, one of which is winter. I know not everyone is a fan of winter, but I like it. Snow is great! But I think the winter setting might be broken, because we are getting all the cold, but none of the snow. 

I've also heard some complaints that the non-snow places are getting the snow (MY snow!!!), so it might be a wider programming issue. Anyway, if you could look into it, that would be great. 

Thanks,

A (mostly) satisfied customer

It's a gift

I have probably read one too many advice columns from my newsfeed, because now the algorithm is constantly showing me advice columns and articles about people who complained to the internet.*

One of the very common things people complain about is not getting the desired recompense for a gift. And, maybe you like me are confused about the idea of being recompensed for a gift, because it seems to mean it isn't a gift anymore, but in case it helps, by definition a gift is:

"something voluntarily transferred by one person to another without compensation"**

Now, I love giving gifts. I love it when I find something that will make someone smile or laugh or have their face almost drop of from excitement (Ah, my nephew's reacting to one of their Christmas gifts. SOOO worth it). I hope to get that reaction, but if not, well, that's okay. When I give a gift, I expect nothing in return. Not a thank you note, not a gift in return, not even a reaction, however much I enjoy them. Because it is a gift, and when I give a gift, I do it by choice, not out of some sort of transactional expectation. If I get something, I am always grateful and delighted, but if I don't, that's okay too. I didn't give the gift so that someone would do something for me. 

So, it makes me a little sad how many people write to advice columnists or complain to the internet because they gave a gift and didn't get their compensation. Relatives who stop giving gifts to loved ones because loved ones never wrote a thank you note, or who paid for people to join them on vacation but didn't get a gift in return. Things like that. 

Now, I do understand wanting a relationship with loved ones, and hoping to hear from them (and it is nice to know they received and liked the gift). Everyone wants to be thought of. So maybe what some of these people are after is connection, more than repayment. I support that. So, maybe it's just bad phrasing of what's really hurting them. been there, too. And most of my relationships are really easygoing about things like that, so that makes it easier for me. But if you ever get a gift from me, here's the way it works:

1. If I'm giving you a gift, there are no strings attached. If I gave it to you, it's because I love you and I know you are grateful, even if you don't say it.

2. The moment I give a gift to you, it is yours. You can do whatever you want with it. Open it, toss it, regift it. It's yours. That's also part of how a gift works. I hope that you will like it and enjoy it, but sometimes I don't get it right, and there's always limited real estate in our lives, so I also understand that it may not hit the spot, or you may have outgrown it. It's yours. Do what you need to. 

To all those who graciously give me gifts, I would now like to say thank you. I am better at giving gifts than writing thank you notes, and I apologize for that. But I value every gift, and the kindness behind it. So thank you, for the gift and for your patience. 

*Side note: It makes me super sad that people are taking all of their complaints, every little thing, to the internet. I have reached the age where I proudly say, "in my day" and, well, in my day we didn't have that option. If someone did something that seemed rude (that was probably completely unintentional, if we are honest, or had a whole reason that we just don't know), you complained about it to a friend and moved on. Nowhere to stick it for the whole world to see and judge someone they've never met and to stoke the 'righteous' anger. I think it was probably, on the whole, healthier. At the very least, it was much kinder. 

**Thank you Merriam-Webster.

2025, Planet Earth, Milky Way, Universe

Dear 2025, 

Welcome! You've been here for a few days now, I hope you are getting your bearings, enjoying the neighborhood, and feeling welcome.

You may have heard rumors about 2024, whom you replaced. And how maybe 2024 was awful and we couldn't wait to see it go, stuff like that. And maybe that makes you feel a lot of pressure. I just want to reassure you, there was nothing wrong with 2024. 2024 did a great job! It showed up, gave us 366 days (a whole bonus day!), and didn't implode or explode the universe! It was everything you could ask of a year. 

If there was anything awful, that was on us, not on 2024. I want to let you know this bit of info up front, because it really will be helpful for you while you are here. People are...well, they are people. And, individually, we are often fantastic. Collectively, we also often do great things. But sometimes collectively, we go a little crazy. And sometimes life is just hard and complicated and unfair and we get tired (maybe you do, too. Maybe you want a vacation around August, just like us). And we get cranky with each other and sometimes forget to be nice, and you know how it is. No one likes feeling like the bad guy, so we just blame the year. It's going to happen to you, so be prepared for that. 

It won't be all bad though. We'll also enjoy lots of things, and have really awesome things happen, and we'll look back and say, "2025--what a year!" We'll have summers and holidays and birthdays and we'll keep saying "Where has 2025 gone?!" We really won't be able to get enough of you. 

There will be ups and downs and things will go sideways (sometimes in a good way, sometimes not), and sometimes we will curse you while also trying to make you hold still, and it will have much less to do with you (other than the 365 days. Shortchange me on those, and we WILL have a problem!) than with us. But deep down, we will be glad you are here and will be hoping you succeed at whatever years do (mostly the 365 day thing, I think). 

So, again. Welcome aboard! And good luck!