Dear Brain

Dear Brain,

I am about to embark on that great endeavor known as sleep. Lately, dear Brain, you have kind of forgotten how this works. What is supposed to happen is you are supposed to turn off, or at the very least go do your own thing without me knowing what that is, except for the occasional odd dream. Which, speaking of, can we not do the "I'm back in school, sometimes high school, sometimes college, whatever, and I haven't gone to any of my classes for a semester and I don't even know what my classes are and then I realize that I have a master's degree and why do I even care about passing one more course? I don't need it!" dream anymore? Surely there is something more interesting we could conjure up?

Anyway, back to the whole sleeping thing. You've really been letting me down lately. You've got WAY too much going on when you are supposed to be letting it go for a few hours. You don't need to be such an overachiever. We don't aim for that in any other part of our life, so why on earth would you pick sleep to try it out on? 

So, as we try this again tonight, I'm counting on you to do your part and relax. I know you can do it. 

Yours, 

Elise

Virtual life

In a lot of ways, I think I have adjusted a little too much to isolation. I live alone, it's just me, in my house, all the time. I mosey out occasionally* and see other people, but there's not a lot of chatter. And mostly, I'm fine. But there are definitely things I am missing in world where most interaction is virtual.

I miss hearing voices. A friend and I have a running chat going on, which is great and definitely helps with the sanity and the socializing. But I miss voices. Sometimes, I want to conference call her, just to hear the words instead of see them. I love reading, but I don't want my whole existence to be written. 

I miss playing with kids. Mostly my nieces and nephews, really. We do pretty regular Zoom calls, but I only know how to make so many weird faces, and I'm out of ideas on how else to goof off with them. I think next time, I will try a rousing game of "what if" (it has stupendous results with kids of a certain age. And some adults, like me, obviously). And we did have a rousing sing-along yesterday, with some great verses of Down by the Bay. But it's not the same as being able to hug them and high-five them and dance around with them. 

I'm finding that my social awkwardness is starting to show up in my virtual world. Anyone else finding it awkward to end a conversation? I've had so many chats with coworkers where I just feel like I'm supposed to reply back, but good grief, at some point, the chat has to end! And ending meetings? Just awkward, no matter what.

Speaking of meetings, there has been a very definite shift over time. At first, there was relief and joy to be interacting with other human beings, those outside of our quarantine circle. We were chatty, we joked, we were engaged. There has been a steady decline over the last four months. Half the time, the host has to check and make sure people are still there. I think our team spirit might be hibernating. People just have nothing to say, and I have been the host, so I sympathize deeply. But even I can't muster up the energy to join the conversation all the time.

The virtual world is less than ideal, it's definitely not what the tech companies have been cracking it up to be. And now that we've discovered this, I hope we'll remember it for the post-pandemic madness. People just need people. 

*Less now than 4 months ago. Walks are getting boring. And it is too hot.

Have you rebooted?

Dear Universe IT help desk,

I think that the Universe is frozen. I can't get anything to work--I just keep getting COVID, shenanigans, and lunacy. 

I think it's time to try rebooting.

Sincerely,

Elise

PS: I'm a huge fan of penguins. Major props on that one. 

Question of the Day

Q: Are you proud to be an American?

A: A qualified no/I reject the question.

I read that phrase in some news story yesterday and it was kind of jarring. Weirdly, especially these days, I just don't think about being proud to be an American*. I know for a fact that 20 years ago, I would have answered very differently. But these days, my brain finds the whole idea bizarre. 

It's not a political stance or anything. Admittedly, in the past 20 years I have become much more aware of US history, and particularly what our history has meant for various groups of people and countries. I spent Independence Day 2020 finishing a book about Axis and Allied involvement in Latin America during World War II**. The US did not come out looking great. And that is hardly the first (or the last) instance of the US of A getting things very, very wrong. And yes, there is plenty in our history that makes me angry. But, let's be honest. There isn't a country on earth that has a clean history. Welcome to humanity. We mess up. A lot. Yes, I am more ashamed when the US messes up, because we have such high aspirations that when we fail, it's really not great. Also, as an Estadounidense*** I feel more ownership over our wrongdoings, the same way I feel more ownership when I mess up. Hopefully that is true across the board, for all people. 

But guess what? America has also done some really great things! Welcome to humanity! We are amazing! Am I proud of that? Yes! It's great! However, in both cases, it's not a nationality thing. It's a people thing. So, it really isn't because of our history, or even our present.**** 

So what changed in the last twenty years to move me from being proud to being ambivalent? Mostly, I learned a lot more about the world. I saw more of it. I read more about it. I met more of its inhabitants. And I realized that

I guess at the moment, here's where I fall on the issue. I am not proud to be American, I am grateful. When I think of all the places in the world I could have been born, I know how good I have it. And I know that doesn't apply across the board to all Americans--just one more reason not to be proud about it. Nor do I think life would have been horrible if I had been born in Vanuatu, or Belize, or Belgium. It would have been life--with a different set of challenges, no doubt, but with a different set of blessings, as well. But I also could have been born in Syria, or Venezuela, or another place where survival isn't a guarantee at the moment. Or in a place where learning about the world isn't allowed. Or somewhere where getting water is an all-day task. I know how good I have it, and I know that one contributing factor is because I was born in the USA.***** So, no, I'm not proud. I am incredibly grateful, and very humbled. And I hope that I show that gratitude and humility by being a better human being. 

*where at least I know I'm free. And I won't forget the men who died.... Seriously, it just comes naturally.

**the book is called The Tango War and I highly recommend it. 

***Spanish for United Statesian. Ish. 

****Granted there is a lot going on at the moment that doesn't thrill me. But I wasn't overly patriotic before the current mess, so that's definitely not what toned down my enthusiasm.

*****Not all of why I have it so good. Not even the most important reason why I have it so good. But, yes, a reason.