Sober thoughts

This week was the funeral of a co-worker who died in a hiking accident the preceding week. The whole thing came as more than a shock. In about 5 hours, I found out he'd gone missing two days earlier, a body had been found, and had been identified as him. I personally don't think all deaths are equal and this one seemed particularly sad. He was a happy person and spread that happiness to everyone and he seemed to love life.

I hadn't known him as well as others, but we'd worked together on projects and I really liked him, as a colleague and as a person, and was sad. It was weird, because I found myself feeling like crying was overstating how close we were and feeling bad when others knew him better and felt his loss more. Which makes it seem like this was all about me, but ironically, I think maybe I felt like me crying made it all about me. And by then I was just overthinking so I said, "Forget everyone else." I am sad that he is gone. I am sad to realize I won't ever run into him on the elevator or in the hall anymore. He is a good person who made the world better for those around him. I am not a crier, typically* but I feel like my tears went to a good cause.

I also for the first time prayed for the deceased. I believe in an afterlife, as you may have guessed. Most of the people I know who have died knew they were dying and were in pain--from cancer or old age or other ailments--and so death was less unexpected and a little more merciful. And then we tend to say stuff like, "They are in a better place now." So the assumption is that everyone is thrilled to be in heaven and it's so wonderful that they aren't even sad. But in this situation, I couldn't help but wonder if that was the case. Why wouldn't this co-worker be sad? He loved life, he surely had things he wanted to do. And most of all, he didn't get a chance to say goodbye to his family and loved ones. I'm sure heaven is awesome, and I'm sure he's glad to be there, but that doesn't mean he isn't also sad that his family is hurting and that he doesn't get to see them for a while. I think I'd be concerned if we just went to heaven and didn't still care about the people we loved here. That just seems weird.

Like I say, I didn't know him as well as some and I'm adjusting okay. It's still a bummer, and there are moments where his absence stands out at work. I feel slightly guilty that life has moved on so smoothly for me and slightly guilty for sharing this, because it seems like it isn't really my story. But life doesn't happen in a vacuum. Regardless of the degree, experiences like this change us, so this little tidbit is really my story, not his, and I hope that's okay. I don't think he'd mind.


*not by choice. I want to cry a lot. My tear ducts just refuse to cooperate.