Why I shouldn't be president

It occurs to me that in a few short years,  I will meet all the requirements to become president of the United States of America, based on Article II Section 1 of the US Constitution. I decided that I'd just let you all know right now that I will not be accepting any nominations. I know, I know, this is a huge disappointment for many of you, but let me just tell you all the reasons why I shouldn't be president:

1. As much as I love public speaking, I really don't feel any compulsion to be the center of attention.
2. When I am the center of attention, I sometimes have a tendency to attempt to entertain, and I feel certain that a stand-up comedy speech at the State of the Union may not go down so well.
3. My platform would be common sense, baked goods, and naps. I'm sure it's not in the best interests of the nation.
4. My desire for common sense and goodness might create a conflict.
5. I like sleeping.
6. I don't feel any need to age rapidly. Besides half the time I feel like I'm twelve. I find ambushing people with flying screaming monkeys a great stress reliever. This may not go down so well in the Oval Office. (Or it could really improve the place. Who knows?)
7. I would disappoint a lot of people who like to do studies. I have a hard time spending money on studies like this or this. I mean, not that it isn't fascinating, but really? Was anyone wondering about whether Mondays are really worse or not? And have we all been dreaming of going head on with our pet goldfish in video games?
8. I hear that presidents have a chef. This would be highly damaging to my career as a cake fairy.
9. I really hate overtime. Really.
10.  I'm a decent human and it would ruin me. No one wants that. Especially me. I enjoy the sanity that I possess.

So, there you have it. Ten excellent reasons why you should not elect me president. God bless the USA.

Nutrition Guide...ish

I made the mistake of having Oreos for breakfast this morning. I should point out that this isn't really as rare as it should be for me. Not that I eat dessert for breakfast everyday, but I do have a theory about this. It's part of my own very non-nutritional based guide to nutrition. See, I have a theory that if you eat dessert for breakfast, then you have all day to burn off the calories from dessert. Also, how can you go wrong starting the day with a little bit of chocolate (not necessarily Oreos, but still, a little bit of chocolate? Can't hurt).

There is actually a bit of logic behind this particular rule of mine. I mean, think about it. Eat dessert at 7:00 at night, and what do you do next? Sit around doing nothing, go to bed, and all those calories go unused. So, yeah? Why not eat it for breakfast, then go charging through the day burning up all those calories? And if that isn't enough logic, I've been reading on sleep hygiene, and some specialists recommend that sugar be avoided 4-6 hours before bedtime.

I have some other guidelines, too. I apologize in advance to all the actual nutritionists out there, because you will all cringe.

• If the ingredients are good for you, the end product is good for you. For example: Ice cream has milk (well, kind of) in it, therefore it is healthy. This is the Bill Cosby approach to nutrition, tried and true. 
• If there is no nutrition information, then none of the bad stuff counts. This means that homemade food is by default healthy for you.
• Breakfast, being the most important meal of the day, can be eaten as many times during a day as one wants, guilt-free.

I'm sure there are other guidelines, but for now, these are the ones springing to my mind. Clearly, I am not and should never be a nutritionist, and I don't recommend that anyone follow my guidelines, because I doubt they will lead to good health. I highly recommend that you eat fruits and vegetables, a balanced diet, include exercise, and live long and prosper. 

Things that make me laugh

My nieces and nephews
Making other people laugh
The funny things people say that aren't even written in a script
Dr. Who
Whimsy
Wait, Wait...Don't Tell Me
Clever, witty banter wherever it is found (clever and witty being the key. Crass does not count.)
Making fun of ridiculous things on TV that just beckon to be mocked
Comic Strips
Some news headlines (you come across some very odd ones)
Kids in general are pretty entertaining
The earlier seasons of Psych (an excellent example of witty banter)
Tacky the Penguin


 

Reality

I just gotta say that our modern take on fairy tales has really filled us with some false beliefs. For example, birds? Not the nice friendly creatures we have been led to believe. Proof: I have been dive bombed by birds while running. This is not the action of a friendly, peace-loving species. I have never had a bird come in and sew a dress for me. Cinderella? Lies.

Another problem with Cinderella: Do you really think that someone is going to spend a whole night dancing with a person, and then not be able to recognize her face because she's wearing a different outfit? If that is the case, that guy was not really all that into her. Just sayin'. And the odds that a shoe will fit one foot and only one foot? Absurd. I feel like someone ought to give the Prince to tell his side of the story.

So, a few weeks ago, somewhat inspired by the absurd Olympic interviews I suppose, my niece and I were having hypothetical interviews with characters from books, movies, history, etc. And we envisioned how an interview with Cinderella would go:

Reporter: So, what did you think when you saw your fairy godmother?
Cinderella: Well, my first thought was I was hallucinating. I mean, who's ever heard of a fairy godmother? And I had served mushrooms for dinner, and you know how mushrooms can be...but then I figured, "Hey, even if it is a hallucination, this is a good thing. I'm going to go with it."

Reporter: You walk into the ball. You, Cinderella. You never dreamed of being in the palace, never thought this would actually be happening to you. What is going through your head at this moment?
Cinderella: Well, I walk in to the ballroom, and I'm looking around, and everything looks just amazing. And then I really start looking, and I start noticing spots on the railings, spills on the floor, handprints on tables... I did NOT envy the poor cleaning staff, let me tell you. To have to clean up after all those messy guests? What a nightmare! I was so relieved that I had to be out by midnight. Otherwise, I would have ended up helping them out. Poor souls."

Now, maybe you are rolling your eyes saying, yeah, that's not what Cinderella is going to be thinking about. But, when you have done something all day every day for a long time, you tend to notice that in other settings. Also, when you are in a strange place, you are going to look for something familiar. My prediction: Cinderella would be lint picking and trying to get rid of wrinkles in the Prince's suit. Which, of course, doesn't mean she couldn't have a fantastic conversation. But, my scenario isn't farfetched, either.

So, yeah. Fairy tales. Not exactly reality. But I suppose that's good, because reality is realistic enough for anyone. A break from it is nice every now and then.

Peaches

One of the things that I miss about this time of year is fruit. It was about this time of year that my mom would begin her canning. This meant that we had boxes and boxes of peaches and pears sitting in the basement and we had fresh fruit every day. Peaches and cream after dinner, peaches for snacks, and the smell of drying fruit wasn't a bad thing, either. We'd help mom with canning and the best part was blanching the peaches. My mom would pull them from the boiling water and drop them in a sink of cold water, and we'd take the peels off. The outside of the peach would be warm, the inside cold, and I loved to snitch them.

Somehow, I've never been able to pick out peaches from the grocery store and get the whole ripening-eating timing down. Even when I get lucky, the experience isn't the same as having boxes of fruit filling your basement. I do get excited when it is peach season, but I miss the good old days. Maybe someday, when life is more settled, I'll be able to relive the experience but until then, I'll just eat a peach now and then and enjoy the memories.

Being myself

I was having a conversation with a friend, who mentioned that she sometimes goes to church and feels like she can't be herself like she can at home. Which got me thinking. When I go places, I think it is true--I'm not my whole self, for which everyone who knows me should be glad, because there are parts of myself I don't particularly like, and it would be a shame to impose them on the rest of the world. Anyway, it does seem kind of hypocritical, like we are putting on an act, right? That is, I think, what we don't like about not being ourselves.

But for me, when I go places, I find that I tend to be my best self. Not always--sometimes I am my very shy, introverted self. Or my quiet, awkward self. But, even so, I'm trying to be my best self. Not the frustrated, tired, sick-of-my-situation self. Not the rude, mean, sarcastic self. (Admittedly, sometimes that does start to show, but I try really hard to leave it at home). I try to be the caring, cheerful, positive self. I try to be the self that just likes to see people laugh, and smile. I go to church on Sundays knowing that one of my friends will be there, and I try my darndest to have an entertaining story for her. It does me good, because right now, life stinks in so many ways, and it's so easy to not be that person. So when I go out in public, I have the opportunity to shed all the negative, and to really be the person I want to be all the time. And then I get to take a piece of that with me so that when I am not in public anymore, I still have a bit of the best me.

For me at least, I am not my whole self in public, but I am my best self. Now I just wish I knew how to be my best self all the time.