An abundance of green

I love you, Dad

My dad passed away on Friday.

He was diagnosed with metastatic cancer on May 6th, he came home from the hospital next day and went on hospice. I went up the following Saturday and had the incredible privilege to be there almost the whole time until he passed (I spent a night at my home, after taking my sister to the airport, and then went back up).

During that week, I had the strongest sense of my dad as a whole. My dad not just as the person I perceived him as but as the person he was independent of me and my experiences. One day, my uncle came over and shared his memories (such a gift), friends and neighbors from church and the area talked about what they loved about him, my mom remembered him from years ago, and I remembered him from the many iterations of myself (child, teen, etc.). And I was there, seeing him in the present--often not lucid, but talking and in that talk there was a piece of his soul unhidden. 

But it wasn't just past and present, there was this sense of all his potential, everything he could have been, hoped to be, if life allowed. 

Life was hard for my dad. I don't mean he had a hard life, but life was hard for him. He struggled with mental illness, which understates the full impact of what that means really truly. He had rough times, largely because of that, but also because life just does that to all of us.* He also had an incredible sense of humor, and a sense of fun, and I loved that side of him, when it was able to shine through. But life left marks, as it does. 

Kyle S. McKay, a General Authority Seventy in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, gave a devotional at BYU, titled "There Must Needs Be a Christ". In it, he said, "President Boyd K. Packer taught: “The Atonement [of Jesus Christ] leaves no tracks, no traces. What it fixes is fixed . . . , and what it heals stays healed.” And he talked about people he had seen, who had also been roughed up by life. People you would never know had dark pasts, or unspeakable heartache. "Why? Because there is a Christ, and His Atonement leaves no tracks, no traces."

I miss my dad. I miss his smile, I miss his humor. I miss knowing he will be sitting in the recliner in the living room when I go home. 

But I am so happy that some of the tracks and traces that still existed are gone and the rest are fading. I keep seeing him as he looked in high school, young (and very handsome) and less touched by life. Just all those heartaches and regrets and frustrations of a good heart that wanted something better being wiped away. It makes me so so happy for him. And it is going to be so awesome to see him again. 

*If not, maybe we're not doing it right. A life with no challenges is a stagnant life. Albeit, a comfortable one.

Statement decor

I was browsing online and saw one of those, "She thought she could, so she did" statement things. Now, that particular phrase has never resonated with me and not because it's not a worthwhile sentiment. I think it's more because I'm more of a, "she didn't need to prove anything, so she didn't, and the thing didn't really matter that much and she wasn't actually interested in doing it, so she passed" kind of a person. 

Again, in a certain context, this is a worthwhile statement. You have an idea about something you could do, you want to do it for your own cute little self, yeah. Do it!

But it seems like this mostly comes up in the context of Women can do ALL the things, and then it feels like I have to look at what everyone else is doing and then think I can do it and then I have to go do it, and man, does that sound exhausting or what? Like, it's just this non-stop roller coaster of doing things just to show that you can do them like you thought you could. Seriously, so exhausting. 

I'm glad some people are the, "think it do it" variety. I'm glad they have the energy. And I'm glad they broke and are breaking so many of the ridiculous barriers that didn't ever need to exist. I've really benefitted from that, because I would be a lousy teacher and a terrible nurse, and as long as it was typing and filing, I'd be a decent secretary but answering the phones and staying organized would be a nightmare. So, yay for the think-and-doers! But also, I'm glad I don't have to be one. So thank you ladies, and now I'm gonna go not do something, just because I don't have to.